10 Weeks- Christmas!!

How Far Along: 10 Weeks, Prune
Total Weight Gain: none yet

Maternity Clothes: Whenever I an not in my scrubs I wear maternity pants or PJ pants when at home. They are just so darn comfortable! My belly definitely gets bigger later in the day so it's usually better to have the extra room.

 Stretch Marks: No, no new ones

Sleep: Sleep is ok. I have to get up a few times a night to pee and I can't sleep in my stomach without it being uncomfortable.

 Best Moment This Week: Ultrasound Friday and telling family today!!!

 Miss Anything: still Beer

Movement: Too early

 Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: I have felt pretty good, except the last few nights I have had a lot of trouble taking my vitamins at night. I ended up getting the chewable kind today because it almost always ends up with me with my head in the toilet vomiting up my dinner. No fun = (

Cravings: Not really, although I did randomly desperately want boiled peanuts this evening and was so happy when I got some!

Gender: I'm thinking boy today

Labor Signs: waaay too early.
Symptoms: Boobs are still sore, I pee frequently and have thrown up almost every night.

Belly Button In or Out: In 

Wedding Rings On or Off: On

Feeling: I feel good. I had a car accident last Tuesday which really concerned me. Luckily me and baby are ok but my car is not. They totaled my car so we are car shopping. We had an ultrasound last Friday to make sure baby was ok and it was so so amazing. Baby waved at us and was sucking it's thumb!! Hubby even said he thought it looked like baby had hick-ups towards the end!

Exercise:  Non-existant. I walk when I can and take the stairs. It is just so so cold outside.

Looking Forward To: I am looking forward to my first OB appointment on January 6th. We told our families today about the pregnancy and it was so so amazing!! If I can figure out how to post the videos on here then I will!

 Next Appointment: January 6th!

 

 

Week 9-

9 Weeks!!

I fail at an actual update

8 Weeks- I have a Raspberry!

How Far Along: 8 Weeks, Raspberry
Total Weight Gain: none yet

Maternity Clothes: I'm wearing some maternity pants now! I don't really "need" them. The way I think about it is that I will only be wearing these maternity clothes for a finite amount of time. So...I might as well get as much use out of them and start to wear them early! They are so comfy too!

 Stretch Marks: No, no new ones

Sleep: Sleep is good, I want to sleep A LOT though and I go to bed really early.

 Best Moment This Week: 8 Week mark!

 Miss Anything: still Beer

Movement: Too early

 Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: I have felt pretty good since taking that unisom/B6 combo. I can't stand opening the fridge though.

Cravings: Nope, not really. Some things sound better than others though.

Gender: Absolutely no idea.

Labor Signs: waaay too early.
Symptoms: Sore bewbs still, constipation, tired. I still get queasy sometimes or light headed so I have to sit down. I think I've been having to pee a lot more frequently.

Belly Button In or Out: In 

Wedding Rings On or Off: On

Feeling: I feel pretty good! That Unisom/B6 combo has really helped me out. I am getting more and more excited to share the news to our families!!

Exercise:  I am trying but its so darn cold outside. I got a pre-natal yoga DVD, but still I haven't opened it yet. I am doing a 5K on Saturday for my birthday with my mom. Around Thanksgiving I told her that I have gotten "out of training mode so I will probably walk it". This way I have an out for walking it and not be expected to run since she doesn't know about the pregnancy yet!

Looking Forward To: Pregnancy announcement pictures on Dec. 13th! My birthday is the 14th so I convinced hubby to do these pictures =)

 Next Appointment: December 23rd!!! 

7 Weeks blueberry

I am actually 7w2d today so I am moving towards blueberry! What an exciting week it has been!! After the tortuous wait for my first ultrasound...It finally happened!! Hubby and I were so so anxious and nervous the day of the ultrasound...ok, mostly me. I was so nervous that nothing would be in there, I was nervous there was going to be multiples and I couldn't figure out how we would be able to make it financially with two or three kids all at once. I was pretty much just a nervous freaking wreck! I was so happy to see my RE's nurses and my RE. Dr. P was so happy for us and I could tell this ultrasound was more exciting for him than just follicle check ultrasounds. It was a dildo-cam nonetheless. I wore my fancy socks for him and he said they were nice = ).

So, dildo-cam in place and made a fast sweep to the uterus to reassure me that there was a baby in there. He showed hubby and me the baby and the flicker of the heart beat. I was so relieved I really didn't listen to the rest. He then went to make sure there wasn't any flickering anywhere else, like an ectopic. There wasn't, although I do still have a cyst on one of the ovaries that he said he would measure next time to make sure it's going down. Then, the fun stuff! After measuring the ovary and the cyst and making sure there wasn't a baby somewhere there wasn't supposed to be one, he went back to the uterus.

oooooo...baaaaby = )

It was the most amazing site. It looked like a little tad pole. He measured the crown to rump and said we were measured 7w2d when we were actually 6w6d, so a few days ahead which is normal to be within 3 days. He let us listen to the heart beat for a split second and it was so so beautiful (I know I talked about this in the pervious post, but it was magnificent).

He gave me drugs and they are amazing. I had been having queasiness pretty much all day, so I wasn't able to eat nearly enough food. So, he said I could take half a tab of unisom and 100mg of Vit B6 every night for morning sickness. HOLY MOLEY DO I FEEL AMAZING!! I almost feel like a non-pregnant lady (which has its own worries). Either I am complaining about too many symptoms or concerned about hardly any (sigh...IF brain!). Bottom line is that I feel great and I can eat! No cravings or anything, but sometimes a certain thing will sound better than another.

This is finals week in school so I am trying my darnest to focus on that, but it's hard. I did get a 94 on one of my finals and it looks like I will have an A in another class. I have a big check-off tomorrow morning, which hubby is my partner who I have to do a full body assessment on. I just hope he doesn't try to goof off in front of the teacher and throw me off my game.




How Far Along: 7 Weeks, Blueberry
Total Weight Gain: none yet

Maternity Clothes: nope, I did buy a pair of maternity pants on cyber Monday from Gap! I haven't gotten them in yet. They were half off though! woot! I thought I could wear them on Christmas since Thanksgiving was so darn uncomfortable tummy wise.  

 Stretch Marks: No, no new ones

Sleep: Sleep is good, I want to sleep A LOT though and I go to bed really early.

 Best Moment This Week: Ultrasound!! Oh that sweet heartbeat!

 Miss Anything: still Beer

Movement: Too early

 Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: I have felt pretty good since taking that unisom/B6 combo.

Cravings: Nope, not really

Gender: Absolutely no idea.

Labor Signs: waaay too early.
Symptoms: Sore boobs (and big! wowzer! honk honk!! don't honk...that hurts), heightened sense of smell, tired. Oh, and the lovely constipation has started O.M.G. 

Belly Button In or Out: In 

Wedding Rings On or Off: On

Feeling: I feel pretty good. I am still on the high after the first ultrasound. I really can't complain! I have been feeling a lot of guilt though. Guilt as far as friends and IF friends who have been through so much more than me, IF wise, but yet I'm the one who gets a "surprise" BFP? I just feel a lot of guilt about that and I am trying to deal with it.

Exercise:  I am trying but its so darn cold outside. I got a pre-natal yoga DVD, but  still I haven't opened it yet. I did walk a few miles the other day and it was nice to get out there.

Looking Forward To: Pregnancy announcement pictures on Dec. 13th! My birthday is the 14th so I convinced hubby to do these pictures =) He just couldn't say no, especially after seeing bean!

 Next Appointment: December 23rd!!! 

The Most Amazing Sound!!

"A Thousand Years"(from "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1" soundtrack)

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

 

 

I am 6w6d today and I had my first ultrasound!! I have been a nervous freaking wreck the last few weeks waiting on this ultrasound. I have just wanted time to speed up so it could get here already! But this morning, since it was the actual day, I was so nervous for the ultrasound to actually happen. I wanted to just stay blissfully happy and unaware of any problems. I just wanted to imagine a baby in there but not have to face any realities if something were to not be "right". In the waiting room I was fidgety. I think I peed twice waiting on the ultrasound and my heart rate was elevated with anxiety. When the time actually came for the ultrasound I just had to take a deep breath and pray. I rubbed my belly, held my hubby's hand and just prayed.

 

When Dr. P came in he was so happy for us. He shook our hands and said "I told you it could happen!". I told him I wore my nice socks for him and he said that they were quite nice = ). Then the ultrasound....Dildo cam!!

 

He first wen to the uterus and quickly showed us that there was a baby there and showed us the flicker of the heart beat (RELIEF!!!!). He then went to look at my ovaries and tubes to make sure there wasn't anything misplaced. I do have a cyst on the (right?) ovary that he will watch, but the other side was good. He didn't see any other flickering outside of the ute. yay!

 

Now the good stuff!!

 

I have a singleton! One beautiful bean measuring ahead at 7w2d with a beautiful heart beat of 142bpm. It was the most beautiful sound!!! He only had the sound on for a second or two, enough time to measure it and then turned it off. Maybe the sound creates too much frequency and could disrupt the baby? I don't know. He could have had the sound on the whole time and I would have been ecstatic, but that's ok!

 

He said everything looks good and that I have a 95% chance of having a healthy pregnancy, which means my chance of miscarriage has gone down! Yay!! He said I could tell family but to hold off on telling other people (woops).

 

Our next appointment will be in 3 weeks, 2 days before Christmas!! This will be so amazing because we will have new pictures to give family for our pregnancy announcement to family! I went to Babies R Us today to get ultrasound frames to give them! I honestly could not be any happier than I am right now. I am so relieved that there is a little bean in there. I am thankful that my RE is amazing and has given me drugs (yay!). I am thankful that my husband is so amazing as well.

 

We did talk about OBs with the RE today and I got some pretty disappointing news. I was hoping my gyn could be my OB because she is the best of the best but they said she may not be taking any new OB patients because she is thinking about retiring!! NOOOOOO!!!! Dr. P said that he will talk to her and see if she can take me on, if not until delivery, at least for part of my pregnancy and maybe another OB that they recommend could also see me so that I could get to know them both. Sounds good to me!

 

I also signed up for childbirth classes and breast feeding classes today at the hospital where I work and hope to delivery (classes aren't until march and may). I also talked with a friend who is a photographer and also is going through IF struggles about doing pregnancy announcement photos and she said she would be happy to! I am so excited! That will be Dec. 13th!

 

So many exciting things happening!

 

my bean!!



6 weeks-- still KU

This wait between beta and first ultrasound is ridiculous!! But, my first ultrasound was a week from yesterday so it's getting closer!! December 3rd hurry up!!


Sorry the picture is so darn big....



How Far Along: 6 Weeks, size of a sweet pea!
Total Weight Gain: none yet

Maternity Clothes: nope, but I am tempted when the bloat gets bad to get a bella band, but haven't yet. Maybe there will be some good sales this week. I'm really too nervous to buy anything right now.

 Stretch Marks: No, no new ones

Sleep: sleep is "ok". I've had a bad cough for a few weeks which wakes me up.

 Best Moment This Week: 6 week mark!

 Miss Anything: Beer

Movement: Too early

 Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Nothing in particular, I just feel queasy in the mornings but it tends to ease up after I drink some ginger ale or eat some crackers.

Cravings: Nope, not really

Gender: Absolutely no idea. I still don't think there is an actual baby in there, much less one with xx or xy chromosomes!

Labor Signs: waaay too early.
Symptoms: Sore boobs (and big! wowzer! honk honk!! don't honk...that hurts), queasy in the mornings, heightened sense of smell, tired.

Belly Button In or Out: In 

Wedding Rings On or Off: On

Feeling: I feel pretty good but still very cautious. I went to an IF support group last night and really felt like I shouldn't be there. I mean who wants a woman who got a "surprise" BFP at your infertility support group?? I wouldn't...I don't think I should go back.

Exercise:  I am trying but its so darn cold outside. I got a pre-natal yoga DVD, but I haven't opened it yet.

Looking Forward To: Turkey day and first ultrasound!!

 Next Appointment: December 3rd!!! 

Stork Award Nomination

So, I entered the blog world a little less than a year ago when I was having trouble conceiving and really needed to get my thoughts out. I never really thought my blog would really amount to much. I figured one or two people would be curious enough to read about my life, but that's about it. This blog has seriously helped me in so many ways through the journey of IF. Thanks to ttuprincess Table for Two, I have been nominated for the blogging "Stork Award". 
 

How it works:
1. Add the avatar for the award in your blog post (done)
2. Link to the blog that nominated you (done)
3. Answer the ten questions given to you
4. Nominate bloggers
5. Ask your nominee's their ten questions
6. Let your nominee's know they've been awarded
7. Put the award icon on your side bar if so inclined (not sure how to do this)

 

Questions given to me: 

1.  One item your days would not be the same without.  (clothing, kitchen items, office supply, etc).

      I would feel totally naked without my rings (wedding, engagement and ring my father gave me). I never take them off so that I would never lose them. I really should get them cleaned but I don't want the feeling of not having them on my fingers while they are at the cleaners.

2.  The best book you have ever read? 

      I started a book club probably a year and a half ago and we have read some really good books. It is really hard to choose between my favorite book "ever" but the book "The Light Between" by M.L. Stedman was really really good. It's really hard for an IFer to read though, I'm surprised I was able to get through it!

3.  A song that always takes you back to a certain place or time?  One that evokes strong memories?

     Let's see.....The song Collide by Howie Day. When DH and I were "unofficially dating" he made me a mixed CD and gave it to me on his birthday. Yes, he gave me something on his birthday. When I listened to the songs, I realized that all the songs were love songs. This song was on it. This was really when I realized that he liked me and maybe we had a future here (like 10 years later and here we are!)

4.  If you could have any job what would it be and why? 

    I am in school now to be a psychiatric nurse practitioner. My dream job would be to do more counseling with people. After going through IF, I think it would be absolutely amazing if I could partner up with an RE clinic and they could refer patients to me, since I have been through it and could empathize more than someone who has never been through it. That would be bad ass.

5.  One thing you wish you were good at but are not. 

     Singing. Hands down I wish I was good at singing. Now, I do it all the time. The car, shower, randomly at work. I sing all the time but I am horrible at it.

6.  Your favorite vacation?

    I have been to some pretty amazing places, but I think my favorite vacation I have been on was my honeymoon. We rented this small little house in a small town in Maine. I was born there and wanted to show my hubby where I came from so he could fall in love with it too and we could move there = ). We had no set plans, we planned each day at a time. went to little shops. if we saw a road that looked interesting to go down, we went down it. We stopped at fruits stands, went to the coast and antique shops. It was just amazing and a wonderful start to a marriage.

7.  Describe yourself in 5 words. 

     - Patient

     - Observant

     - Naïve ( thanks to the psych field I am becoming less of this)

     - Loyal

     - Flexible (not body flexible anymore, just with plans. If something changes with a plan I can usually go with the flow)

8.  Did you have a moment where you knew your DH was "the one"? 

     I guess looking back at #3. Now hubby and I have known each other since we were in middle school. We grew up in church together. We both liked each other, but our timing was never right. When our timing was finally right, it was just amazing. We went to look at stars on his birthday, he made me that mixed CD. He doesn't express his emotions verbally too often, so by listening to the songs he hand picked, I could tell that he like me "He liked me, he really liked me!!".

 

9.   Aside from dealing with IF what has been the biggest challenge or struggle you have had to deal with or overcome?

    IF has by far been one of the hardest struggles I have ever had to deal with. I think probably that hardest though happened right before I started seeing my RE. I had this friend named Mary. We were BFFs in high school. She even lived with me and my family for a while in high school because she was having problems at home. My family helped her get into college and helped her with her medical issues (type 1 diabetes). She eventually moved off and I sort of lost touch with her. I regret that more than anything because January 2012 she was diagnosed with Ovary cancer. We reconnected then....but why couldn't we have reconnected sooner?? November 30, 2012, Mary passed away at the age of 26 from Ovarian cancer. That was by far the worst thing I have ever been through. I still have all of my grandparents, I have been very fortunate to not have experienced a lot of death thus far in my life. But to loose someone so young and so close to me....It has just been very hard. I don't know if I have ever truly dealt with it. Whenever I do runs I try to wear teal in honor of her. Ovarian Cancer awareness has sort of become my "cause". If we have a girl we will honor her with the middle name (Maria). I miss her every day.

10.  If you could have dinner with any famous person or celebrity who would it be?  Past or present, dead or alive. 

    Dave Matthews because he is a bad ass. No other reason. I would swoon, hope he would sing to me. I don't smoke weed but maybe I would with him...who knows = ).

 

 

Now I get to nominate others:  I am going to nominate some of those blogs have really helped me along in this journey.

 

 

Running and Dreaming for Two-- I hope you know how much you have meant to me through this journey. You are a warrior and a champion! Team FUIF

 

Put on a Happy Face -- Third member of team FUIF! You have been there for me too. I couldn't thank you enough!

 

Living the Infertile Life -- You constantly amaze and inspire me by your strength. You are one amazing woman and I hope you get your happy ending soon.

 

 

I will notify you ladies on FB or TB as well. This I supposed to be fun. Don't feel pressure to complete it, I know it takes time. It's just a nice way to get to know you!

MY QUESTIONS FOR YOU:

 1. What is the kindest thing anyone has done for you?
 2. How do you want to be remembered?
 3. Where was your favorite vacation?
 4. How did you and your DH meet?
 5. What is the funniest thing that happened at your wedding?
 6. Aside from dealing with IF what has been the biggest challenge or struggle you have had to deal with or overcome?
 7. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
 8. If you could eat one thing 3 times a day for 1 week, what would it be?
 9. What is your most embarrassing moment?
10. When you come home from work, what is the first thing that you do?

 

God Has to have a sense of Humor

 

I swear God has got to have a sense of humor, because life can be so funny sometimes.

After 6 failed IUIs we decided to take a treatment break to save up for IVF. When I say treatment break, I mean break from everything. No OPKs, temping, none of it. So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw this on November 13,2013 on CD29

 

 

That's right....I'M KTFU!!!!! I went in for my beta the next day 11/14/13 and it was 932!! My RE said that the beta was so strong he didn't want to waste my money on getting another one. My first ultrasound is scheduled for 6 weeks 7 days on December 3. My EDD is 7/23/14.

 

I can not tell you how both excited and terrified I am. I am scared to get excited but yet when I see those four positive tests and that amazing beta...I just can't help but be so thankful. I just can't believe this happened this way. No only not on treatments but I actually got KU having sex. I mean who would have thought!!

 

How I told my hubby: I had sent him a picture of the first pee stick because I thought my eyes were messing with me. He thought he saw a faint second line but was cautious. On his way home from work that night I took another cheapie and a FRER test. I waited in the nursery for him. When I heard him coming I called out to him and said "Do you think we can get this ready in 9 months?" he said "Of course....wait....REALLY!?!".

He is definitely cautious. I think he relaxed more when he saw my beta number. He's the best baby daddy ever!!

 

I want to try to wait and tell my and hubby's family for Christmas, that will be 10 weeks. I just hope I can keep this a secret!!!

 

Thank you readers for all of your support!!

 







Just Keep Swimming

 

In my case, "Just keep Running".

Watching the New York City Marathon yesterday online was so inspiring!! Thousands of people, with so many inspiring stories, getting out there and running their hearts out. Many of them had never run before, but set a goal and succeeded! Now, my goal isn't necessarily to run a marathon, but I think I may want to stretch farther than a 10k. I was joking around with hubby and mentioned the Disney World half-marathon...that would be fun! Now, they do a 10k also, but that would be a reeeeally expensive 10k. Plus, I want to put one of those stickers on my car "13.1".

I went out for my run this morning with new energy and determination. I started back with the 5k-10k program. I had taken a break from the program because my distance had dwindled since taking a break from running period for the majority of October. I started Week 2 day 1 of the 5k-10k program and really impressed myself! The object was to do a steady run for 20 minutes. I assumed the 20 minutes was supposed to be the distance of 2 miles. I never reach the distance expected when the time runs out because I run so slow. Today was a different story! I ran 2.06 miles in 20 minutes! I assume that means I averaged at about a 10min/mile pace although my app tells me something different...so that confuses me. Oh well!!

 

I also contacted my dad about a father/daughter trip we have talked about for a couple years now. We just so happened to start talking about it when hubby and I first started trying to start a family. I kept putting off planning because I was worried I would be pregnant during the trip time so I couldn't do much (HAHA!!!). But, since I am on a treatment break for God knows how long, I know for almost certainty that I will not be pregnant during the first 6 or 8 months of 2014. So, I think this is our ideal window of opportunity to plan this thing! We had discussed going to Mammoth Cave National Park in Kentucky. We would probably camp, do some cave hikes/tours, regular hikes, etc. It should be a really awesome experience. Plus, I have never been to Mammoth Cave National Park and I have a goal of going to all the national parks. Not just step my foot in there...but actually experience the park, do hikes, camp, etc. I have such wonderful memories of going to Big Bend National Park with my family.

 

On other news, I registered for my Spring Semester of NP school today!! This first semester has really flown by and I am really getting stressed out about it! So much to do!! So little time!!

 

 

Hope

¹hope

verb \ˈhōp\

: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true

 

 

I have talked about hope before. I have talked about how my hope seemed to slowly disappear after each failed IUI cycles. Now that I am on a break and IVF is our next step, I am feeling hope again. I am hopeful that IVF will work, that we may even get some frosties for a future IVF. If the IVF does not work then I have hope and faith that I will then be ready emotionally to move on to adoption.

 

I went to an infertility support group last night, there were four of us total. Two of the women went to the same RE as me and either did IVF with him or is about to start an IVF cycle. I was able to pick their brain about IVF with Dr. P. Apparently the package he chose for us is the "good" package. Like it's the package he chooses if he is super optimistic. That makes me feel good, and hopeful. I just hope my body lives up to the hype!

 

On other news, I ran 3 miles yesterday. It felt really good just do a free run. It makes me so happy that I am able to run that far, especially since I don't necessarily stop because I get winded, my legs just get tired and feet hurt. I'm hoping the hip pain and feet aching will stop or get better the more I run. I will probably start the 5k-10k program over again since I am starting back up running. I am super slow, but I am focusing on distance.

 

Today, I am ok

So, since I am on a break, essentially, from trying to conceive, I wasn't sure if this blog would have any substance or anything to fill the pages. I don't really have any cycles to talk about or get excited about. No doctors appointments to look forward to, no monitoring appointments.
I feel different everyday about being on a fertility treatment break. Some days I am really really sad about it, while other days I welcome the break. I welcome the break from medicines, vaginal ultrasounds, having to worry about having sex at certain times and having to miss work so I can be inseminated.
This break has made hubby and I think about where our money is going and ways to save more money. We have a goal and we are trying to figure out how to attain this goal as soon as we can.

I did start running again today. I haven't run since the end of September. It has been almost a month! I ended up running 2 miles, average pace of 13 minutes. I feel pretty good about that since I haven't run in a while. I've been having problems with aching hips and weird twinges of pain on the bottom of my feet. Not sure if taking prophylactic Ibuprofen will help with that or not. I do have a goal of running a 10k by the time we start IVF. I know I couldn't imagine running 3 miles a few months ago and now I can't imagine running 6. I can't imagine my hips and feet carrying me that far. I plan to keep trying to increase my distance, slowly but surely.

School is also going well. I am halfway done with my first semester of graduate school. I can't believe the first semester is already halfway done. I hope all the semesters seem to go by just as quickly! I have a lot of deadline coming up, and I am actually feeling pretty stressed with everything. When I'm not working 12 hour shifts I am doing school work. When I am not doing school work I am trying to spend time with my husband. It feels like a lot to balance at the moment, but I welcome it.

I guess there really isn't a point to this post, and I hope I can think of things to post about while we are on this break.



IVF

This is me today




Today is 16 days after IUI#6 and AF came this afternoon. It's over. My Hail Mary treatment cycle didn't work. So, this means I am done with fertility treatments for a year, or really until we can save up $15,000 or so for IVF. I am really upset, mostly numb and in disbelief. I never ever thought I would need IVF. When I started seeing my RE I refused to get the infectious disease testing because that was just needed if we did IVF and OF COURSE we would never need IVF because the IUIs would work.

They didn't work...

I just can't believe this is my reality. I can't believe that we have to take a year off of treatments. I won't be going on BCPs during this time, that is just more money and I don't want the option of a "surprise" pregnancy to be eliminated (HAHA!!).

Anyways...I will still be posting on there because I still consider us trying to conceive just with very very poor odds. I may write more about this later, I just feel so in shock right now and heart broken. I am sitting in the library at work and don't feel like crying in public. I'll probably call my RE at some point this afternoon or maybe tomorrow.

FU IF, I don't like you!!

"Our Love is So Right"

"So Right"

Roll out down to midnight
Then roll on downtown 'til it's light
Because tomorrow we may die
Oh, but tonight we're dancing in the faint light
Don't you rob yourself of what you're feeling
Don't rob yourself of all that you could be
Roll hard 'til midnight
Roll 'til it's light

Come on now
Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
Roll the red carpet out with friends
To whom, to love and roll on

Our love is so right
I won't waste a minute here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance is all about you

To midnight love you,
Roll on and run the red lights
You know the game now is keep it tight

Oh, how I love your pretty rock-roll kisses
Come on and stay with me
Roll on and run the red lights
Come on, this love is so right

Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
To roll the red carpet out with friends
Oh, to love and roll on now

Our love is so right
I can taste
We're in it here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance
Is all about you

I'm going crazy
And it's all 'cause of you (it's all 'cause of you)
I'm going under, over you, over you...

This time is so alive
Everybody's tranced, dancing tonight
Oh so beautiful, and so strange
Oh, it was empty until you came...

Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain on your light
Our love is so right
I'll not forget how you look right now

Our love is so right
Remember let's just move together
Our love is so right
I swear it would last forever

Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain down on you
Our love is so right...

 

So, Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary, and I have to say that I have an absolutely amazing husband. We have really been through a lot this last year and he has stepped up and been there for me. We are stronger than ever and ready to face whatever life has in store for us. Not only have we been struggling with infertility but he also helped me through the loss of a friend last November.

Every month I go through a sort of loss whenever I am not pregnant. I go through a mourning process of mourning that months efforts, money, emotions, extreme sadness and anger. My hubby has gone through 21 months of this. He has helped me through every single month for 21 months. He has seen me ugly cry so hard I can't speak, all he can do is hold me. He has helped me through my anger and questions of "why us?". He realizes that infertility isn't "my fault" and gets disappointed every month as well. He keeps strong though. One of us has to be. He has the level head and he is the realist. I love him so much for being my backbone through this process and even more for allowing the process to continue. He agreed to IVF because he understands that I need to try it before I can emotionally move on to adoption. He loves me so much and I love to the moon and back. I can not wait to see what, not only the next year brings, but what the next 50+ years bring.

 

We are just getting started, and that is so exciting to me.

 

 

Now We Wait



I haven't updated in a while, but as of today, the wait begins.

Last Thursday I had my monitoring appointment. I was a little disappointed by my follicle development, but it was "ok". He wanted to give me a few more days before I trigger in order to give my follicles some more time to grow. He had me wait until Saturday to trigger for IUI#6 Monday (today!!). The wait for Saturday's trigger wasn't too bad. I went for a run Friday morning where I did the third day of 5k-10k program. I run really really slow. I complete the challenge for the day, but my distance isn't even close to what the goal is. I think I was supposed to run 3 miles in 30 minutes but ended up running 2.39 or something. Oh well, I ran for 30 minutes...that's a long time to run. I had my first test in Graduate School Friday so I took that in the afternoon and passed the freaking crap out of it with a 100!

 

                                  BAM!!!!

So, I was pretty happy about that. I got some more school work done and went to Book Club that night. I love my book club! I don't think I have mentioned it on here, but after I got out of college and then changed jobs where I worked with a bunch of men, I realized that I didn't really have any friends. I decided on a whim to put out some feelers on Facebook to see if anyone wanted to be in a book club. Over 1 year later and we are still going strong! We have all the original members and we all look forward to having "girls night". We talk about the book sometimes, but mostly we talk about our lives, drink, eat, drink...did I mention we drink? I just look forward to it every month!

On Saturday I had signed up to do a 5k. It was my "goal" 5k, the one that I worked hard towards in order to run the whole thing. My only goal was to run it all and finish in less than 40 minutes. I sort of set that 40 minute goal as a joke thinking I would finish looooong before that time....haha nope! I finished in like 39 minutes. I beat my goals though!! I ran the whole thing (slow as molasses, but I ran), and I finished within my time goal. I was really really proud of myself. I wore teal pants in remembrance for my dear High School friend who passed away much to young, at the age of 26, to Ovarian Cancer. She passed away last November and her Birthday was yesterday (Sunday).



Sorry it's so big!! it says "Happy Birthday Mary. I wear TEAL in your memory" September is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness month!

So, I ran the whole race and then went to the festival connected to the race. I had a really good day. My Hubby was a deer camp so I was pretty much by myself all day, but it was nice. I listened to music, walked around, got my feet massaged (I paid for it, it wasn't from a random person). I had such a good day that when I went home I had a little nap, vegged out. Next think I know it is 9:30 and I had forgotten about my trigger! I mean, who forgets about their trigger shot??!! Luckily I was talking to an IF friend and it reminded me...only 30 minutes late. That should be ok!!

Sunday was sort of a bitter sweet day. It was my late friend's birthday. I looked at some pictures of her and reminisced. I also talked to her about maybe helping me out with this whole IUI thing. Before she passed away I told her that hubby and I decided that if we had a girl that we would honor her with the middle name. So I sort of talked to her yesterday about maybe giving me a little extra Mary juju from above towards the IUI today. We'll see = )

This is was in 9th grade. She was so beautiful and full of life!! RIP Mary!!!

So, this morning was my IUI. The last one I will hopefully ever do!! I have been so at peace about everything. I really feel "ok" about this potential break and about the next step. Hubby and I for sure decided that IVF would be our next move and that our goal would be to do it in a year. We would save up as much money as possible in that time so that we have a good savings cushion for ourselves.


sorry these things are so flippin' big!! This was me today...Roar Radio on Pandora, Hope shirt, bracelet and necklace!!

I am super duper crampy right now so I am hoping that that means my ovaries are doing or have done what they are supposed to. My bewbs hurt....too soon for symptom fishing??? lol.

Anyways, I am in a good place. Probably a better place than I have been in this whole time. I have totally given this thing up to God. I know that it will happen when it is supposed to happen and how it is supposed to happen. I'll just do what I can to help out the process.

Sorry for the novel, but I had a lot to say. I hope this leaves everyone well and I love every one of you and thank you so so much for your support through this time in our lives. Whether this is the end of our journey for a year or just the beginning....I thank you.