- When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.- Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
- Refrain:
- Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. - My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! - For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. - But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! - And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Friday, April 26, 2013
"It Is Well With My Soul"
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Infertility Manifesto
I saw this today and thought I would share it in honor of Infertility Awareness Week this week
We thought we’d be able to have children and then we couldn’t.
It wasn’t a choice to enter into treatments/adoption/donor gametes; it wasn’t an option.
Having a child may feel like a choice to you, but it isn’t to us.
You and I will need to disagree on that, because you’ll never change our feelings about having a family be a need over a want.
When we’re cycling – whether we’re trying naturally, doing minimally invasive treatments, or doing invasive procedures – I am riding on a roller coaster of emotions.
I am angry. I cry a lot. I am frustrated. I am told one thing and another happens. No one can give me straight answers. No one can make real promises. We pay A LOT of money for the chance to have a child. This money does not guarantee that we will have a child at the end of the day.
We get pregnant and we are elated. And then we lose the pregnancy.
Or we get news that the pregnancy isn’t taking and we never get a chance to feel that elation – we only get the depression on the other end.
Even though I’m a pro-Choice feminist, I also love my children when they’re only embryos.
And that is a difficult thing to wrap your mind around.
You think that you know what we’re going through based on the small amount of information you know.
You think you know how I feel or how I’m reacting based on what I present to you.
You never see the full picture, but you make a lot of assumptions.
You are impatient that we plan our lives like this.
You think you need to make parenthood seem less enticing – this doesn’t make me feel better. This just makes me feel like you are belittling the thing I am putting myself through hell to obtain.
You say that you feel like you can’t support us. And you can’t. Not really. Or not in the way that you want to offer support.
Infertility isn’t linear. It’s a wavy line and you can’t know if you’re entering on a crest or a dip. I don’t expect you to get it right.
I don’t expect you to run in like a cheerleader and accompany me to appointments or help me raise money for treatments/adoption.
What I want from you is actually quite simple.
Ask me how I am and want to hear the answer.
Ask me about treatments and where I am in the process.
Ask me to explain to you more of what I’m going through.
Let me vent.
Don’t try to change my mind or see the world from your eyes.
I used to have your eyes too before this happened. And I know you mean well, but even if you say that you went through infertility or loss yourself, my own experience is unique.
I try very hard to be proactive. I do this not only by seeking treatment, but gravitating towards other infertile men or women or other people using assisted conception/adoption.
We are a supportive community.
They take care of my emotions – I rarely have to explain myself to them. They understand with few words. I enjoy being with them because it’s easy.
I also enjoy being with you. Sometimes I like being with you because I don’t have to speak about infertility at all. Other times, I like being with you because I can talk it out and explain and hear my own words and make sense of this myself.
Infertility is so different for every generation. When our mothers and fathers were experiencing infertility, they had few choices. They had fewer answers.
Now, we have many choices–maybe too many choices. It makes it difficult to step away.
I believe that I probably won’t understand much of what my children are going through if they experience infertility. I’ll try to be there for them and I’ll do my best. But I also know that they will have opportunities or choices to make that I never had. And it will affect them in a way that I will never understand because I didn’t go through it myself.
And that will make me sad because I really want to be there for them. That’s the closest I can come sometimes to understanding how you feel when you are dealing with me. So, I’m sorry. I know it really sucks to watch me be sad and feel like there’s a wall between us.
Infertility makes some women want to sweep it under the rug. It has made me want to be an activist – not only for infertility, but for all the taboo topics still out there. I talk about infertility a lot – not because I’m obsessed with the topic, but because it has shaped who I am and it is a large part of my life. It has to be – so much of infertility is a day-to-day monitoring that it becomes impossible to set it aside fully.
It makes me want to reach out to other people – and that is something I am extremely proud of that I do. I think I used to lead a life that was very focused on self and I think I lead a life that is now focused on others – the children I have, the children I want, the people I reach out to comfort or help. You may think I focus too much on self because you may not understand the intricacies of what I do. What I put myself through because I have a burning need to parent. You may think the choices I make are selfish. Or self-indulgent. You may think that I like being sad or that I should just move on. You may think that I’m making unhealthy choices. I can’t really do anything to change the way you think and frankly, I don’t have the emotional reserves to focus on you.
We can’t take you to the edge where we stand – we can only tell you about it. And hearing it is nothing like living it.
But if you want to stand over here and watch me at the edge, you may find that everything you are scared that I am or becoming isn’t true at all. And if you opened your eyes, you would see that I’m not at the edge to jump, but I’m at the edge because I trust myself and my choices so completely and I know this is where I need to be if I want to fly.
Infertility Manifesto
You don’t understand, so let me explain.We thought we’d be able to have children and then we couldn’t.
It wasn’t a choice to enter into treatments/adoption/donor gametes; it wasn’t an option.
Having a child may feel like a choice to you, but it isn’t to us.
You and I will need to disagree on that, because you’ll never change our feelings about having a family be a need over a want.
When we’re cycling – whether we’re trying naturally, doing minimally invasive treatments, or doing invasive procedures – I am riding on a roller coaster of emotions.
I am angry. I cry a lot. I am frustrated. I am told one thing and another happens. No one can give me straight answers. No one can make real promises. We pay A LOT of money for the chance to have a child. This money does not guarantee that we will have a child at the end of the day.
We get pregnant and we are elated. And then we lose the pregnancy.
Or we get news that the pregnancy isn’t taking and we never get a chance to feel that elation – we only get the depression on the other end.
Even though I’m a pro-Choice feminist, I also love my children when they’re only embryos.
And that is a difficult thing to wrap your mind around.
You think that you know what we’re going through based on the small amount of information you know.
You think you know how I feel or how I’m reacting based on what I present to you.
You never see the full picture, but you make a lot of assumptions.
You are impatient that we plan our lives like this.
You think you need to make parenthood seem less enticing – this doesn’t make me feel better. This just makes me feel like you are belittling the thing I am putting myself through hell to obtain.
You say that you feel like you can’t support us. And you can’t. Not really. Or not in the way that you want to offer support.
Infertility isn’t linear. It’s a wavy line and you can’t know if you’re entering on a crest or a dip. I don’t expect you to get it right.
I don’t expect you to run in like a cheerleader and accompany me to appointments or help me raise money for treatments/adoption.
What I want from you is actually quite simple.
Ask me how I am and want to hear the answer.
Ask me about treatments and where I am in the process.
Ask me to explain to you more of what I’m going through.
Let me vent.
Don’t try to change my mind or see the world from your eyes.
I used to have your eyes too before this happened. And I know you mean well, but even if you say that you went through infertility or loss yourself, my own experience is unique.
I try very hard to be proactive. I do this not only by seeking treatment, but gravitating towards other infertile men or women or other people using assisted conception/adoption.
We are a supportive community.
They take care of my emotions – I rarely have to explain myself to them. They understand with few words. I enjoy being with them because it’s easy.
I also enjoy being with you. Sometimes I like being with you because I don’t have to speak about infertility at all. Other times, I like being with you because I can talk it out and explain and hear my own words and make sense of this myself.
Infertility is so different for every generation. When our mothers and fathers were experiencing infertility, they had few choices. They had fewer answers.
Now, we have many choices–maybe too many choices. It makes it difficult to step away.
I believe that I probably won’t understand much of what my children are going through if they experience infertility. I’ll try to be there for them and I’ll do my best. But I also know that they will have opportunities or choices to make that I never had. And it will affect them in a way that I will never understand because I didn’t go through it myself.
And that will make me sad because I really want to be there for them. That’s the closest I can come sometimes to understanding how you feel when you are dealing with me. So, I’m sorry. I know it really sucks to watch me be sad and feel like there’s a wall between us.
Infertility makes some women want to sweep it under the rug. It has made me want to be an activist – not only for infertility, but for all the taboo topics still out there. I talk about infertility a lot – not because I’m obsessed with the topic, but because it has shaped who I am and it is a large part of my life. It has to be – so much of infertility is a day-to-day monitoring that it becomes impossible to set it aside fully.
It makes me want to reach out to other people – and that is something I am extremely proud of that I do. I think I used to lead a life that was very focused on self and I think I lead a life that is now focused on others – the children I have, the children I want, the people I reach out to comfort or help. You may think I focus too much on self because you may not understand the intricacies of what I do. What I put myself through because I have a burning need to parent. You may think the choices I make are selfish. Or self-indulgent. You may think that I like being sad or that I should just move on. You may think that I’m making unhealthy choices. I can’t really do anything to change the way you think and frankly, I don’t have the emotional reserves to focus on you.
We can’t take you to the edge where we stand – we can only tell you about it. And hearing it is nothing like living it.
But if you want to stand over here and watch me at the edge, you may find that everything you are scared that I am or becoming isn’t true at all. And if you opened your eyes, you would see that I’m not at the edge to jump, but I’m at the edge because I trust myself and my choices so completely and I know this is where I need to be if I want to fly.
Monday, April 22, 2013
IUI#1 done!
On Saturday night I was told to do the trigger shot at 9:30 at night, so when I got home from work I started preparing for it! I kept going back in forth between Hubby doing it or me doing it. I have a video of the festivities but for some reason it isn't letting me upload it. I ended up giving the injection to myself. I think I did pretty well!!
So, Hubby and I went in this morning (Monday 4/22/2013) for our first (and hopefully only) IUI!
Hubby went in for his contribution at 8:30 this am. I had given him some material on his phone to help him out a little bit. When he came out of the room he looked so bewildered! The first thing he said was "guess what was playing on the radio in that room?!?". I said "What?". and said "K-LOV, a freaking Christian radio station!" He said he was too scared to touch anything in the room so he didn't change the channel. We both couldn't stop laughing!
I know everything I have gone through with this infertility journey has been painful/uncomfortable and emotionally exhausting, but I could NOT imagine having to "preform on command"! Props to all the men out there having to give their "sample", because I would think the pressure of it all could really effect them and make it so their sample is poor or possibly so they can't give a sample at all! I guess that's why some offices freeze sperm or let the hubbies bring their sample in from home.
After he gave his sample and I got my vital signs and weight (ugh!!!!) we went to have breakfast while we wait for them to wash hubby's sample.
We came back about 40 minutes later for the actual IUI! The procedure only took about 10 minutes total. Dr. P went over Hubby's sample. He said that his pre-wash was about 49million and post was was 36million or 9mil/mL. He said it was in the 20th percentile, but I thought it sounded "ok". IT ONLY TAKES ONE!!!
He put the sample in a syringe with a long thin tip that goes into my cervix and then slowly injected the sample into my uterus. Then I had to lay flat for 10 minutes. The speculum placement was the worst part.
All in all I am very hopeful and I will try to step away from the pee sticks for two weeks...so May 6th I will test!
If it is positive then I will post it on my blog, but i will not share it on Facebook. Whenever I do get my positive test, I won't announce it on Facebook until later in the pregnancy, this includes sharing my blog post on Facebook.
I also wanted to write a little bit about this week being National Infertility Awareness Week. I will try to post pictures on Facebook that bring awareness to National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 couples will struggle with some sort of infertility problem...that's a lot! Ever since I have started this blog, so many woman have come to me and told me about their infertility struggles! I say this because even if you don't struggle with infertility..someone you know does. When people post on Facebook about how horrible pregnancy, how much they hate it, or other complaint about pregnancy/children, I just can't help but think about all those women (me included) that would give ANYTHING to go through the morning sickness, back aches, etc if the end result meant a child. I guess what I am trying to get across is the fact that Infertility is painful physically and mentally. Every time there is a pregnancy announcement it is yet another reminder of what those of us who struggle with infertility don't/can't have.
I just hope that those who weren't aware of how many struggle with infertility issues will think twice about who they ask "are you pregnant?" "when are you having kids?" "do you not want kids?" etc, etc. Many people don't talk about their infertility struggles because it is so personal and emotional, but it exists and it is painful.
So, Hubby and I went in this morning (Monday 4/22/2013) for our first (and hopefully only) IUI!
Hubby went in for his contribution at 8:30 this am. I had given him some material on his phone to help him out a little bit. When he came out of the room he looked so bewildered! The first thing he said was "guess what was playing on the radio in that room?!?". I said "What?". and said "K-LOV, a freaking Christian radio station!" He said he was too scared to touch anything in the room so he didn't change the channel. We both couldn't stop laughing!
I know everything I have gone through with this infertility journey has been painful/uncomfortable and emotionally exhausting, but I could NOT imagine having to "preform on command"! Props to all the men out there having to give their "sample", because I would think the pressure of it all could really effect them and make it so their sample is poor or possibly so they can't give a sample at all! I guess that's why some offices freeze sperm or let the hubbies bring their sample in from home.
After he gave his sample and I got my vital signs and weight (ugh!!!!) we went to have breakfast while we wait for them to wash hubby's sample.
We came back about 40 minutes later for the actual IUI! The procedure only took about 10 minutes total. Dr. P went over Hubby's sample. He said that his pre-wash was about 49million and post was was 36million or 9mil/mL. He said it was in the 20th percentile, but I thought it sounded "ok". IT ONLY TAKES ONE!!!
He put the sample in a syringe with a long thin tip that goes into my cervix and then slowly injected the sample into my uterus. Then I had to lay flat for 10 minutes. The speculum placement was the worst part.
All in all I am very hopeful and I will try to step away from the pee sticks for two weeks...so May 6th I will test!
If it is positive then I will post it on my blog, but i will not share it on Facebook. Whenever I do get my positive test, I won't announce it on Facebook until later in the pregnancy, this includes sharing my blog post on Facebook.
I also wanted to write a little bit about this week being National Infertility Awareness Week. I will try to post pictures on Facebook that bring awareness to National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 couples will struggle with some sort of infertility problem...that's a lot! Ever since I have started this blog, so many woman have come to me and told me about their infertility struggles! I say this because even if you don't struggle with infertility..someone you know does. When people post on Facebook about how horrible pregnancy, how much they hate it, or other complaint about pregnancy/children, I just can't help but think about all those women (me included) that would give ANYTHING to go through the morning sickness, back aches, etc if the end result meant a child. I guess what I am trying to get across is the fact that Infertility is painful physically and mentally. Every time there is a pregnancy announcement it is yet another reminder of what those of us who struggle with infertility don't/can't have.
I just hope that those who weren't aware of how many struggle with infertility issues will think twice about who they ask "are you pregnant?" "when are you having kids?" "do you not want kids?" etc, etc. Many people don't talk about their infertility struggles because it is so personal and emotional, but it exists and it is painful.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
And their names are....
I got a lot of GREAT suggestions for names for my two little follies! Thank you for the suggestions even though I realize it is pretty silly to name them! I put all of the suggestions I received from the blog and on Facebook and put them all into random.org and I got my winner!!
and the winner is...
I hope Bunsen and Beaker do a good job on Monday!!
and the winner is...
CD 13-16- What should I name them?
"Right Here Waiting"
Ocean's apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
[Chorus:]
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
[Chorus]
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
[Chorus]
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
[Chorus:]
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
[Chorus]
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
[Chorus]
I heard this song on my way to my second ultrasound this morning. It seemed to fit the situation of struggling with infertility and going the extra mile to have a family of our own.
So, on CD 13-15 I took the upped dosed of Femara 7.5mg once a day. No side effects. The good news is that I got 30 pills for $12! When I went to pick up my medicine, I was expecting to pay A LOT more. So, pleasant surprise = )
Today is CD 16 and I had my second ultrasound this morning. Because my follicles were not mature, or big enough on Saturday, at my first ultrasound. Dr. P wanted me to come back this morning after a few more doses of Femara to see how my follicles look.
They looked great!! On my left side I only had one 9mm follicle (boo), but on the right side I had a 13mm and a 14mm (what should I name them?) ! He was very happy with this, so I was too! He said my Uterine lining looked good too! I was so happy I started to cry in the car on the way home!
Plan: On Saturday night at 9:30 I will either give myself the trigger shot, or Richard will give it to me. It is a subcuatious injection given in the abdomen. Because I am a nurse, I have given many shots to others, but it's different when it comes to giving yourself a shot! Then on Monday morning (8:30am) we will go in for Hubby's "contribution", then they wash the "contribution" in order to get only good swimmers. We will go back at 9:30 for the actual IUI! I am so flippin' excited!!!
The timing for the IUI is PERFECT because both Hubby and I are off of work that day!
On a somber noted, I wanted to mention the bombing in Boston on Monday 4/15/13. It makes me sad, angry, confused. My heart just breaks for those effected and they are in my thoughts and prayers as well.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
CD 7-12
So, I finished my Femara 5mg on CD (cycle day) 7. The 5 days that I took them I really didn't have any noticeable side effects. I was extremely irritable (sorry hubby!) while I was taking the medicine, but I was irritable before I started taking them so I think it had more to do with hormones, rather than the Femara.
 |
| Taking my last dose of Femara 5mg! |
CD 12- I went for my first monitoring Ultrasound today. This ultra sound is pretty much to see how the Femara has worked to get my follicles/eggs big and mature, and when to take the trigger shot to release the eggs and do the insemination.They do a transvaginal ultrasound and measure the uterine lining and the size and number of follicles in my ovaries. He said my lining was a little bit thin because it was probably still too early and my follicles probably weren't mature yet. He confirmed that when he looked at my ovaries. He found two follicles on the right side and two follicles on my left side. The leading follicle on my right side was only 9.5mm, the smaller one was 9mm. On the left, the leading one was 11mm and other one was 9mm. He said he likes them to be at least 12-13mm (Some RE's like them 18-23..I think it all depends on the person). He pretty much said that because I am anovulatory, I can be more resistant to meds than someone who have no problems developing eggs (obviously). He said that it could just take a little more medicine to have the follicle "break through" and mature. He told me to take Femara 7.5mg Tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday, and then come back on wed. for another ultrasound.
Bad news:
- I have to pay for additional ultrasound which is about $200 more than the close to $1000 I have already payed towards tests and treatment. Just another drop in the bucket, right? Many women pay at least 10x this.
- My ovaries are more resistant to medications than Dr. P thought. .
- I have to buy more medicines
- Hubby and I have jobs that allow us to pay for these treatments and still be able to pay bills on time and treat ourselves once in a while
- Hubby went with me to the first ultrasound and he is so supportive = )
- I have folicles...they are just small.
- I might have seen my future child today = ) Keeping hope alive!!
 |
| Ultrasound Room! |
 |
| Hubby came with me! He was so tired because he worked the night before |
 |
| yup, tired |
 | ||
| so silly |
Sunday, April 7, 2013
CD 3-6
 |
| CD 3, Day 1 of Femara |
 |
| CD 4, Day 2 of Femara |
 |
| CD 5, Day 3 on Femara |
 |
| CD 6, Day 4 on Femara |
Thursday, April 4, 2013
"Lets get ready to rumble!!!"
So, this was me today!
I went in for my annual visit at my GYN for my pap smear and such. I Dr. H that I hadn't had a period in 48 days and that when it did come I would start fertility treatments. She thought it was "horrible" to wait any longer than 48 days so she called my RE (fertility doctor) to see if there was any reason they would want me to wait longer than 48 to start a period or if she could prescribe Provera to induce a cycle.
Well...
My RE's nurse called me back and told me that I could go ahead and start Femara (my fertility med) tonight!! I was so excited but a little concerned because I hadn't had a period. She said that since my diagnosis was Annovulatory (not ovulating) then I could be waiting for a very very long time to have a period and there was no reason why we couldn't go ahead and start my medicated cycle now! After she answered all of my questions I was all like "Lets do this thang!" (in my head of course).
I am so flippin excited to FINALLY start my medicated cycle!!! I will be taking Femara for 5 days, starting tonight. This will help my follicles grow big a strong! Then on April 13, I will go in for a sonogram to make sure I don't have a cyst, make sure my follicles are big enough and that I won't become octomom! If my sonogram looks good then I will take my trigger shot, which will release my egg, and then I will do my IUI (intrauterine insemination) which will bring the sperm into my ute waiting for the grand arrival of my egg!
I went to my RE's office today to pay for my IUI package and my RE was standing at the desk talking to the receptionist. I was very close to saying "I can't wait for you to get me pregnant!!!" but I thought better of it and settled for a "Hello". I must warn everyone that I may be a little bit of a B!tch on this medication...so consider yourself warned!!
Realistically I know that this will probably not work the first time, but I feel like I am finally being proactive! I am also relieved that my intuition (of me not ovulating) was correct. It feels really good to have an official diagnosis! So your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated! You can direct them to my ovaries and follicles if you would like.
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