Now We Wait



I haven't updated in a while, but as of today, the wait begins.

Last Thursday I had my monitoring appointment. I was a little disappointed by my follicle development, but it was "ok". He wanted to give me a few more days before I trigger in order to give my follicles some more time to grow. He had me wait until Saturday to trigger for IUI#6 Monday (today!!). The wait for Saturday's trigger wasn't too bad. I went for a run Friday morning where I did the third day of 5k-10k program. I run really really slow. I complete the challenge for the day, but my distance isn't even close to what the goal is. I think I was supposed to run 3 miles in 30 minutes but ended up running 2.39 or something. Oh well, I ran for 30 minutes...that's a long time to run. I had my first test in Graduate School Friday so I took that in the afternoon and passed the freaking crap out of it with a 100!

 

                                  BAM!!!!

So, I was pretty happy about that. I got some more school work done and went to Book Club that night. I love my book club! I don't think I have mentioned it on here, but after I got out of college and then changed jobs where I worked with a bunch of men, I realized that I didn't really have any friends. I decided on a whim to put out some feelers on Facebook to see if anyone wanted to be in a book club. Over 1 year later and we are still going strong! We have all the original members and we all look forward to having "girls night". We talk about the book sometimes, but mostly we talk about our lives, drink, eat, drink...did I mention we drink? I just look forward to it every month!

On Saturday I had signed up to do a 5k. It was my "goal" 5k, the one that I worked hard towards in order to run the whole thing. My only goal was to run it all and finish in less than 40 minutes. I sort of set that 40 minute goal as a joke thinking I would finish looooong before that time....haha nope! I finished in like 39 minutes. I beat my goals though!! I ran the whole thing (slow as molasses, but I ran), and I finished within my time goal. I was really really proud of myself. I wore teal pants in remembrance for my dear High School friend who passed away much to young, at the age of 26, to Ovarian Cancer. She passed away last November and her Birthday was yesterday (Sunday).



Sorry it's so big!! it says "Happy Birthday Mary. I wear TEAL in your memory" September is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness month!

So, I ran the whole race and then went to the festival connected to the race. I had a really good day. My Hubby was a deer camp so I was pretty much by myself all day, but it was nice. I listened to music, walked around, got my feet massaged (I paid for it, it wasn't from a random person). I had such a good day that when I went home I had a little nap, vegged out. Next think I know it is 9:30 and I had forgotten about my trigger! I mean, who forgets about their trigger shot??!! Luckily I was talking to an IF friend and it reminded me...only 30 minutes late. That should be ok!!

Sunday was sort of a bitter sweet day. It was my late friend's birthday. I looked at some pictures of her and reminisced. I also talked to her about maybe helping me out with this whole IUI thing. Before she passed away I told her that hubby and I decided that if we had a girl that we would honor her with the middle name. So I sort of talked to her yesterday about maybe giving me a little extra Mary juju from above towards the IUI today. We'll see = )

This is was in 9th grade. She was so beautiful and full of life!! RIP Mary!!!

So, this morning was my IUI. The last one I will hopefully ever do!! I have been so at peace about everything. I really feel "ok" about this potential break and about the next step. Hubby and I for sure decided that IVF would be our next move and that our goal would be to do it in a year. We would save up as much money as possible in that time so that we have a good savings cushion for ourselves.


sorry these things are so flippin' big!! This was me today...Roar Radio on Pandora, Hope shirt, bracelet and necklace!!

I am super duper crampy right now so I am hoping that that means my ovaries are doing or have done what they are supposed to. My bewbs hurt....too soon for symptom fishing??? lol.

Anyways, I am in a good place. Probably a better place than I have been in this whole time. I have totally given this thing up to God. I know that it will happen when it is supposed to happen and how it is supposed to happen. I'll just do what I can to help out the process.

Sorry for the novel, but I had a lot to say. I hope this leaves everyone well and I love every one of you and thank you so so much for your support through this time in our lives. Whether this is the end of our journey for a year or just the beginning....I thank you.





Slow Down!!!

Things are moving so freaking fast this cycle!! I guess my body is all like "let's get this thang over with!".
 Since talking with my RE's nurse on cycle day 1 and after the reality that the same protocol was the plan, I have been much much better. The plan was Femara 10mg CD 3-7 with an ultrasound on CD6 or Friday Sept. 26. On cycle day 2 I ended up calling the on call nurse because I didn't have enough medicine so I needed another prescription and I also had some pressure on my right side that I was worried was a cyst. Luckily my RE was able to get me squeezed in this morning (CD4) for an ultrasound to check to make sure I didn't have a cyst! I also planned to bring an IVF grant application that I found online for my RE to look at and hopefully fill out for me.
I have been trying to look for scholarships or grants online for IVF assistance in order to help with IVF costs if we were to choose that route. I found one that looked pretty good so I thought I would give it a shot. I know it is a very very long shot and usually these organizations are looking for people with extravagant stories, and ours is pretty normal so my chances are slim to none. But you know what they say about the lottery! You won't win if you don't play! I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least try.
Fast forward to today's ultrasound:
Hubby and I went in this morning for our ultrasound. The desk clerks at my RE's office are hilarious and I love eavesdropping into their conversations. We waited about 30 minutes with a few other women in the waiting room. We texted each other guesses as to what the other women were doing here and what procedure they were getting ready for. I could tell they were both pretty comfortable with the RE's office so they weren't newbies. I can always tell when its someone's first time!
The nurses were wonderful as usual. They all checked on me, padded me on the back to see how I was since my BFN last week. They are just so awesome! I talked to nurse B about the IVF grant application and she knew that Dr. P would have no qualms about helping me in any way he could.

Ultrasound time! I knew the drill, bottoms off. This was the first time hubby had been with me for an ultrasound while I was still bleeding. That was a little different but all went well. A very nice resident did my ultrasound with my RE sitting right next to him. My RE comment on how my hubby "always wears the best Dave Matthews Band T-shirts", so you know my RE is awesome. It turns out I don't have a cyst. But, I do have a few pretty good follicles already. I have maybe 3 around 8cm on my left and a 13cm on my right (that's why I was feeling pressure!!). He said everything was on track and moving a little faster than he expected. At first I felt like I was crying wolf with calling for an ultrasound for fear of a cyst, but I am glad I did because Dr. P ended up moving up my follicle check ultrasound to Thursday instead of Friday. He said that I will probably trigger Thursday night, so that would bring IUI#6 on Saturday.
Unfortunitly I work on Thursday so I will have to work that out, and on Saturday I had a 5k planned that I had already paid for. This would be the second 5k that I signed up for since C25K and the second one I would have to miss after already paying for it (boo!!). But, it will be ok.
I told Dr. P about the IVF grant and he said he will do whatever he can to help us out and would be more than happy to sign the application for me. He agreed that it was a long shot but he also agreed that you have to play to win! I sort of thought he would take the application and fill it out during the week sometime and give it back to me Thursday. Nope! He filled it out then and there! There was part of the application about how the IVF is broken up financially, so they kept the application for the financial counselor to fill out. They are so awesome!!
We also got to talk to Nurse B about IVF costs and such. I was pleasantly surprised by it all! I think it was $8,500 for IVF, but this does not include the medications which can cost upwards of 3k. So, this is what the $8,500 pays for!

IVF (anesthesia, lab fees, all retrieval fees, embryo transfer fees, etc)
1 Therapy session
Freezing of extra embryos
1 FET (frozen embryo transfer).

I was very pleasantly surprised that not only does this price pay for an IVF, which could result in baby #1, but it would also cover a FET, which could result in baby #2. We still have to talk in more detail to the nurses about this. We aren't sure if you get the FET only if the first IVF doesn't work, or say the IVF works and a few years down the road you want to have another, if you could use that FET that was paid for.
My thought is though, that if you only get the FET if the IVF doesn't work...that is still 2 for the price of 1! I still feel good about that and so does my hubby. We had a nice conversation about it and he feels much better about IVF knowing that we get that extra FET. We haven't set this in stone, but things are looking a little better right now.

Of course we are hoping this IUI works, but we definitely have a better plan in place and seem to be on agreement (today anyways) that IVF may be our best option for our next plan. We just need to figure out how long we want to wait to do it. I imagine we are talking years, rather than months. We still are sticking to our plan to build up our savings account so I imagine we will wait a year or two before we do this. But, I feel a lot better about things!

This is how I feel = )

IUI#6- the final straw

So, today is CD1. I was expecting it, wasn't a surprise since I tested two days ago. I was just ready to get that cycle over and to start on a new one. When I got the negative test a couple of days ago I called my RE's nurse to talk to her. I explained to her that this would be our last cycle, maybe forever. I explained that if this is a fail then we will be taking a very long break to save up for IVF or adoption. I also said to her that I wanted to put all the ammo we can into this cycle, whether it be injects or what. She said she was going to talk with Dr. P later in the day and to call whenever CD1 came.

Well, CD1 came and so I called.

I will be doing the same protocol. The same exact dose as I have done the past 3 or 4 IUIs. It's a weird mix between frustration, confusion, grateful that I don't have to fork over a bunch of money for expensive medicines. I expressed all of this to my RE's nurse. I just kept saying that the last few cycles didn't work, why the heck would this one? She said that his explanation was that I had very good response with this protocol and he doesn't want to mess with that. He thinks I will over respond to injects and doesn't want me to spend all of the money on it if he thinks the much less expensive option will work. I can appreciate that, the only problem is that it hasn't worked. Why would this one??

It's such a weird thing for me as well whenever I explain this to others going through IF. I want to pound my fists in frustration but yet I want to try to stick up for my RE's decision as well. I haven't lost any trust in him. I don't feel like he hasn't listened to my concerns, thoughts, etc. I work with doctors every day and I have become pretty good at asking the doctors questions in order to get the orders that I want for my patient. It's different when you are the patient. I have asked all of the questions I needed to ask of my RE, and I have verbalized all of my thoughts and concerns in order to push my RE to make a certain decision about my treatment. Some may say that since he kept the same protocol and didn't do what I say that he didn't listen to me. He knows what he's doing, I have no doubt. I truly believe he listened to what I had to say, considered it, and then made his own medical judgment on what would be best for me in my own unique situation. Am I frustrated? Hell Yes! Do I think this cycle well work? Hell to the NO! But hey, he's the RE, I'm not. If it's meant to work, then it will. If I am meant to go on this break, then I will go on the break. I'm starting to think it will be good for me. Give me time to focus on things other than IF. Maybe it will give me time to find myself again and not be totally engrossed in the world in infertility.

I don't know, I'm probably just making excuses and trying to make myself feel better about the situation. It's working for now so I'm going to roll with it!.

I also contacted a peer-led infertility support group leader in my town through the Resolve organization I explained my situation and asked about meetings. There will be a meeting Tuesday night at 6pm. I really think that I am going to go. I am so nervous, but I think it will be good!

 

"Brave" by Idina Menzel

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For to long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

Devastated and Crushed

Devastated and crushed are two words to describe how I feel right now.

I took a pregnancy test early this morning and got a negative.

All I can do is cry. I feel so lost and confused as to why it has gotten to this point, the point of me being at my last fertility treatment cycle. What if this cycle doesn't work? Why would this cycle work when the other 5 didn't? what would make this one any different? What's next? Why is this happening to me (but, why not me)?

Before infertility happened to me, I was such a positive person. Very optimistic and probably naïve. Days like today make me sad. Not only because of the negative test, but also because I lost my hope and optimism. I may get a little bit of it back through the cycle, but it never charges up to it's original fullness.
 I have never been so optimistic as I was during my first IUI cycle. I was so optimistic that I bought a bunch of baby trinkets as a way to tell my family and friends that I was pregnant. I bought those 7 months ago and they are buried in a box, pains me to look at it because I may never be able to use them.
 I was even optimistic during my second IUI, I mean who is lucky enough to have their first one work? I thought this one would definitely work, no doubt. Two weeks later...doubt, hope lost. And then the third, the fourth, the benched cycle, and now the fifth....

So, optimism didn't work

During the third and fourth cycle I tried to keep my cool, I was pretty good at just being numb during the whole cycle. Careful not to get my hopes up to high, but I also didn't want to put negative energy towards the cycle.

So, numbness didn't work

During the benched cycle I thought how crazy it would be if I actually got pregnant by having sex. Weird huh? To think that someone could actually get pregnant just by making love to their spouse, without any doctors, nurses, syringes, sperm washes. I know it was silly for me to think that cycle might work...but I thought that maybe it would.

so, sex didn't work

This cycle seemed like an ideal cycle I had pretty good response from my meds, hubby's sample was beautiful. It only takes 1 sperm and he had 45 million coming at me. Our timing around the IUI was good. I was optimistic during this cycle as well. I stopped running, no sushi, no alcohol. But yet, it didn't work.

so, an ideal cycle didn't work.

What will work? How am I supposed have my child? Am I even supposed to be a mother? Is this God's way of telling me that I am not even supposed to have that gig? Am I even supposed to carry a child or is adoption the way I am supposed to receive my angel from God? What about IVF, is that in my cards? And if we do spend the 12+k for IVF...what if it doesn't work? Will there be resentment there between hubby and I since he isn't a fan of it?

So many questions and only time can give me the answers. All I know is that I can't keep going on like this. The constant rollercoaster is exhausting. There is no handbook for infertility, nothing that tells me "this is what you are supposed to do and this is how you are supposed to have your child". I just have to trust that it is in the cards for me and God's plan will show through eventually. I guess I just have to wait and see.

Oh, The memories!!!

I am blogging on my phone, so I'm sure it will be full of typos and odd auto-corrections. So, sorry in advanced!
Oh, what a time I have had since my last post. I have been working, trying to get ahead on school or and had an adventure last weekend.
I have felt fairly optimistic during this 2ww. Not that I thought I was pregnant, but I haven't count myself out just yet either. I have started having some AF type symptoms, which upsets me. But I hear some pregnancy symptoms can be similar, so I am trying To keep my head up.

I will test tomorrow.

Three huge trees fell in our yard last week, which scared the HELL out of me. I had to race outside to make sure the dogs were ok...luckily they were : )
Luckily the trees didn't hit the house, or fall over the driveway or anything. It will make for some good firewood if we can find something big enough to cut it and tote it!

As far as school goes, I've been trying to get ahead with my school work since I went out of town last  weekend and didn't want to do any school. I am really starting to get overwhelmed with school. I have quite a few due dates coming up and just feel like I can't learn this stuff fast enough. I will get it done. I have a lot on my plate at the moment, but it's ok. At least I am able to go to graduate school an have a full time job. I need to keep it all in perspective!!

Now, this last weekend was my Color Me Rad 5k in Tennessee with two wonderful ladies I had not met in person. The plan was for me to fly out Friday into Atlanta. Meet up with one of them for the las leg of the flight and then meet up with the other in Asheville,NC. The next morning was the race and then we would spend the day together and leave Sunday morning.
Things didn't exactly turn out that way...

My flight from Jackson left 30 minutes late, and my layover in Atlanta was only 36 minutes so I knew I would be in trouble trying to make my connecting flight. Man did I try though!! I told Cici (who I was supposed to meet at the gate) that I was running late an concerned about missing the flight. She tried so hard to stall!! I ran my big ass off at the Atlanta airport. If you ave ever been to that airport then you know how far away the terminals are...it was like Murphy's law. I had to wait for my bag because I checked it at the Gate, the escalator was full if people so I couldn't run down the escalator, the shuttle that goes between terminals left as soon as I got off the elevator so I could t ride it, I had to run with my huge bag from one terminal to the next, I memorized the gate wrong ad the gate I had memorized didn't exist so I was searching for a missing gate (I felt like Harry Potter...was t sure if there was a secret code to find the gate or not), and finally....the gate closed seconds before I got there. I just collapsed on the floor. I was so upset. This was my first time flying by myself and I missed the flight!! They didn't have any flights out that night so I had to stay the night in Atlanta and fly out in the morning....thus missing the race, the hole reason for the trip. They did give me a hotel voucher, but the whole thing was messed up. I seriously though "it would be easier if I just went back home". I didn't though. I ended up having a wonderful weekend and now I know that I can handle myself if this happens again. Was it ideal? No, but it's how it was supposed to go!!

"it wasn't the road I had planned on taking...Nevertheless, it was the road the God had chose , and I had two options: I could become bitter or better."

One of the trees that fell

Our adventure!! Memories made for life!! Go Team FUIF!!

10 Words

This was posted on TB and I Dream of Baby FB group and I thought it was really poignant. It makes it even more amazing that it was written by a man.

Ten Words that Describe Infertility
http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/

Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:

1. Lonely.-- We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed.-- Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold.-- We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded.-- For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward.-- During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry.-- Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed.-- Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair.-- The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss.-- This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence--. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

My blessing for you as you struggle: May God give you what you need, when you need it, over and over and over again.
----------------------------------------------------------

As for me...I am feeling fairly optimistic today. I am 7 days after IUI#5. So, I am halfway through my 2ww. The first week has gone by fairly quickly and I expect the second half to go by just as quickly. I realize that me allowing myself to get optimistic puts my heart at risk if this cycle doesn't work. I am willing to risk that if that means putting less negative energy towards this cycle and more positive energy towards it. I am "visualizing success".

I am also very excited about this weekend!! I am meeting up with two ladies that have really helped me through tough days, they have helped me climb out of the dark hole that is infertility and failed cycle after cycle. I can't wait to meet them in person and give them real hugs!! We will be doing the Color Me Rad 5k race in TN. So exciting!! Hopefully fun pics to come! I leave Friday and come back Sunday.

IUI#5 Done!!

IUI#5 has been completed and the 2 week wait has started!

The past 2 days:
My RE wanted me to take an OPK test Monday and Tuesday at 2:00pm incase I started to surge on my own before the scheduled trigger shot Tuesday night at 9:00pm. Well, low and behold, on Tuesday after my OPK test I got a positive!! Say whaaaat!?!?

So, I called my RE's office and talked to one of the nurses. She told me to go ahead and do my trigger shot and be in for IUI#5 Wednesday at 2:00pm for hubby's collection. I had one of my co-workers shoot me up in the break room and all went peachy!!

Today:
Hubby and I went in at 2:00 pm. Wednesdays are busy for my RE because it is his surgery day. We knew that hubby's collection would be at 2:00 but unsure when the actual IUI would be. Dr. P had to do surgery today and his last surgery was at 2:00 and then he had a Lecture schedule for 3:30. The plan was for him to try to make it to the Clinic to do my IUI after he got done with the surgery and before the lecture. He would finish the surgery at the hospital, drive to the clinic  about 15 minutes away without traffic, do my IUI and then drive back to the hospital for his lecture. We weren't sure if he would have time in between surgery and lecture so there was a chance he would have to do my IUI after his lecture at 5:00. Well, luckily he made it in time! I had my IUI at 3:00 today! Hubby's numbers were good, 37 mil total motile post-wash with improved motility. Over-all, things went well! I even told him about a Color Me Rad race I am doing in a couple of weeks with two awesome ladies who are going through IF as well. Overall, everything is crossed that this IUI works.

Test day is September 18/19.

Ready for IUI#5 (cursing warning)

I had my monitoring appointment for IUI#5 today to check to see how the Femara worked this go around. Richard came with me to the ultrasound, which made it tolerable. Everything went fine with the actual ultrasound. I have a 10.5, 13 and 15 on my Left side and I have a 18 on my Right. No wonder my right side felt so uncomfortable! The plan is for my to trigger Tuesday night at 9:00 pm if I don't get a positive OPK before then. My RE doesn't think I will surge before Tuesday night, but I guess he wants me to do OPKs just incase. If I don't surge before Tuesday night then IUI #5 is planned for Thursday morning. I name the 3 biggest Follies Heidi, Vickie and Betsy after my RE's three amazing nurses.

How do I feel? Despite having pretty good response with my meds, for the first time I don't feel a glimmer of hope. Why would this work when the past 5 medicated cycles didn't? What will make this cycle any different? I have this IUI and then only one more before I am forced to take a treatment break. I am scared to death about this cycle not working then I must use my safety net IUI. I can't even imagine the stress and pressure it would be to be on that "last" cycle. That feeling is what scares the hell out of me. I'm not so much worried about this IUI, but the feeling of being on the last one and not knowing what the future will bring, being forced to think that you will never experience pregnancy, never have a biological child of your own. I am in tears at the moment just by the pure thought of having to be in that position.

It's not fucking fair. I feel like I am looking over the Grand Canyon into the abyss.

But yet so many other people go through things so much worst than what I am going through. People are going through cancer, chronic illnesses that cause physical pain, starvation, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, people who have children with disabilities, people who have experienced the loss of a child. My problems seem so trivial in comparison, but why do they encompass me so much? I can get so self involved sometimes, thinking my problems are the worst problems in the world and everyone needs to know that I am upset. Gosh, how self indulgent am I?

This post sucks ass.