I'm calling it

I broke down and POAS tonight after work. I knew what the results would be because I have had classic PMS symptoms for a few days now.
You know: irritability, face breakouts, cramping, slight spotting.

All the classics. I wanted to call this one a bust on Tuesday when I was super irritable, but I held out.
My plan was to actually hold out and POAS on Monday in order to give AF a chance to show up before the go through another negative pregnancy test.
Well, that didn't work out because I have been cramping so bad. All I want to do is lay with a heating pad and take Ibuprofen. So, I needed to POAS to make sure it wasn't positive so I could take Ibuprofen guilt-free.
As you can guess, IUI#3 was a bust. Negative HPT at 14dpIUI#3.

Now I just wait for AF to come full force and then I can call to get the plan for IUI#4.
Hubby and I discussed if we want to sit out this cycle in order to get his genetic screening results. But, we decided that worst case scenario we will get his results around the time of our mid-cycle monitoring appointment. if he is also a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis then we will just cancel the cycle and come up with a new plan.

My hope for IUI#4-- the same as IUI#3. We had great response with the meds with 2 huge follies and a third one that was decent. Since we finally seem to have the right dose of Femara maybe if we having perfect cycles, one of them will stick eventually.

We shall see!

 

I needed this today. 

Genetic Results Are In

So, last week I decided to break down and do the genetic testing, as recommended by Dr. P. I am glad I did because I got a call this afternoon with the results.

I am a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis.

This was a complete blind sided call. It wasn't even on my radar that I could be a carrier. I thought maybe I would be a carrier for some random, no one's ever heard of it, genetic disorder. But no, of course I am a carrier for a disorder that, if a child has it, goes through a lot of pain, hospitalizations, and ultimately (more than likely) a short life.

I am forced to think about the possibility of Hubby being a carrier and what that would mean in our ttc journey. We do not want any of our children to suffer, so continuing on and just "hoping" they don't have it, is not possible. If hubby is a carrier then our children have a 1:4 chance of having it. That's like playing Russian Rulet with our future child's life. We are not willing to do that.

So, if he is a carrier then we have 3 options:

1. Do IVF with selectivity, where they only fertilize the eggs that are not carriers.

2. Adopt

3. Live child-free

IF Sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our Attempt at Distraction

Well, I am 8dpIUI#3 and I am doing pretty well!!
Hubby and I went for a little camping adventure this weekend as an attempt to get away and distract ourselves from "the wait".
I have lived in MS for over 18 years and have never been to Natchez. This needed to change so we decided to go to Natchez State Park for a night to canoe, fish, camp, play disc golf, etc.
We left Saturday morning at about 7:00 to start the journey! We wanted our GPS to take us there via the Natchez Trace Parkway so we took a lot of fun back streets to get there. I just love going the "back way" to places! It took us about 2.5 hours to get there. The first thing we did was set up our tent (last time we went camping we tried to pitch our tent in the dark...epic fail!). We then went to take the canoe out and go fishing!
It probably wasn't the best idea to go out on the water in the middle of the day...on the second day of summer...in MS!!! It was so fricken hot!! I did catch one little brim but that was it. I was so proud of myself for catching a fish! I did unhook it and put it back in the water.
We stayed out in the water for about 3 hours, we canoed accross the large lake and into some side corners. It would have been PERFECT if it wasn't so hot!
When we got back to the tent, I immeditaly went and took a cold shower. It was HEAVENLY!!
Hubby then had the idea to go out to historic Natchez since it was only about 3:00pm and we didn't want to sit around the camp site all day.
We had a nice stroll around the city and did a walking tour of the city. It was nice seeing the "Mighty Mississippi River". I called to make reservations at Magnolia Grill, right on the water. Our table over-look the river and it was really nice. The food was amazing and I was a happy girl! We had fried dill pickles..how could I not be happy?!? 
After dinner we returned to the camp site. Hubby wanted to fish on the doc since it was dusk and I decided to hang out at the campsite and read. We had a wonderful battery powered fan that helped us survive the heat! We were the only tent campers there, every one else was in an RV. I enjoy tent camping. I grew up thinking of tent camping as "real camping" where RV "camping"...not so much. To each their own, right? We did have a blow up mattress and battery powered fans, so we were kind of "fancy camping" anyways.
I slept well, woke up early. I had the most realistic BFP dream I have ever had! I was so sad when I realized it wasn't real = (
We hit the road fairly early and headed to Lake Lincoln State Park in Wesson, MS so that we could do their disc golf course.
If we would have had a map of the disc golf course then it would have been an AMAZING course! It was really nice, in the woods, shaded the whole time. I am sure I will get horrible Poison Ivy though!! I tried to wash my legs and arms in the park restroom but they didn't have soap or paper towels in there...so water had to do!
We made it home in good time and spent some time with my parents when we dropped of their canoe to them that they let us borrow. We picked up some subs for lunch/dinner (we really didn't eat all day...woops!) and went home to take showers.
Our furr-babies were very happy to see us since they hadn't been fed since yesterday morning. It is good to be home!




C25k related update: I was going to my week 2 workout 1 this morning or this evening, but I am so tired from canoing, walking in Natchez, and hiking during frisbee golf. I will have to start week two on Wed.
I did lose 2lbs last week! WOOT!!

Best Case Scenario- Not fertility Related

Oh what a past few days it has been! I didn't want to write a blog post about this until I knew what I was dealing with.
Every year, for work, we have to get our TB skin test. I am a nurse at a large public hospital so I have come across quite a few patients with Tuberculosis. Well, I whenever I get my TB skin test I always get a very red reaction but they have never named it as "positive".
Well, that changed on Thursday.
After my mid-cycle monitoring appointment I went to the hospital where I work to get my TB skin test read. The test was red like always but I just knew that they were going to call it "positive". And they did. I was so disappointing and sort of in shock because so many things went through my mind....will I need a chest x-ray? will I need to take medications for 9 months? Do I have active TB, thus exposed people all year and they need to be contact? I went to Europe of months ago...that's a lot of people!
The nurse said that I had a 12mm Induration (anything larger than 10mm on a healthy person is positive) and so my skin test was positive. She said that I need to never, ever get another skin test the rest of my life and then she sent me to the lab to get a Quantiferon Gold test, which tells you if the TB skin test was positive because of Tuberculosis or for another reason. She said that it would take about 5-6 days to come back and they would let me know the results. They said that if the test was positive then I would then need a chest x-ray to rule out active TB or Latent TB infection.
All  I kept thinking was that I had IUI#3 on Saturday...and ideal cycle...what if I get pregnant with this cycle and the Quatiferon Gold test is positive? Are the TB meds safe for pregnancy? If I don't get pregnant this cycle will I need to put off ttc for the 9 months for treatment or do I take the risk of continuing to be ttc and take meds at the same time? The most used TB med for Latent TB is a Pregnancy Category C...so they don't know what it would do to a baby.
As you know, I went ahead with the IUI on Saturday and just kept praying that everything would work out.
Well, God is good!! Everything worked out!
I got an e-mail from the nurse saying that my Quantiferon Gold test was negative!!
This is BEST CASE SCENARIO!!!
I don't have to worry about having to decide between ttc and TB meds. plus the bonus is....I DON'T HAVE TUBERCULOSIS!! That is always a positive...right?!?

Also, I turned in ALL of my last registration paperwork for graduate school starting in August!! I am so ready to get started in school, to see if I can actually do this school thing. Orientation is August 8th!

By the way: I did complete day 1 and day 2 of C25k as promised!! Day 3 will be Friday Morning!

Couch to 5k Challenge: Week 1

 

 

So, I decided to go ahead and begin the Couch to 5K Challenge. I was planning on starting it soon but was hesitant due to being in my 2ww with IUI#3. I decided this evening that since the program progresses relatively slowly and the sessions are no more than 30 minutes, then it should be fine. I will only go early in the morning or in the evening when it is cooler. I feel pretty good about doing it! So keep me accountable!!

I did session one this evening and plan to do session two tomorrow morning and session three Friday morning.

Stronger

This song was suggested to me by a IRL friend who is also struggling with IF. I thought I might share it here.

"Stronger"

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus:]
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus]

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

3 Is a Magic Number

My awesome cycle buddy reminded me of this Schoolhouse Rock song. I have really been holding the number 3 close! I had three follicles on IUI#3. 3 is a magic number!!

Thanks Cici!

Huey, Duey and Louie are off!

So, IUI #3 is done!! 3 follies for IUI #3...I'm liking it!!
The IUI was pretty uneventful. I triggered Thursday night. I actually let hubby give me the injection this time since I did it the last two times. I wanted to give him the opportunity.
He did wonderful!!! It didn't hurt at all! I was so proud of him.
We went in for hubby's collection at 9:00. Since we came in on a Saturday the clinic was very quiet and only a couple people there. Hubby went in for his specimen and he was "in and out like a drug deal". No weird music or other mishaps.
We waited in the waiting room while they did the sperm wash. I played Jewel Mani and hubby played Candy Crush. After about 25 minutes hubby said "My sperm are getting a longer shower than I got this morning!". I thought it was cute.
at about 10:00 we went back for the actual procedure. Hubby and I cracked jokes while waiting on Dr. P. Once Dr. P came in he told us hubby's count was 34.7mil total motile. This number is lower than the past two IUIs but higher than his initial SA. We did have sexy the night of the trigger so we were only about 34 hours abstinent.
IT ONLY TAKES ONE!!!
My thought is that I have 3 targets in there with 34.7 mil active sperm...that is 11.5mil per egg! I'll take that = )
The actual IUI was done before I knew it. When Dr.P started taking his gloves off I was like "It's done?".
I layed on the table for 10 minutes, felt a lot of cramping. I plan to take it easy the rest of the day. I really hope the third time is the charm for me. I will test June 29th!

Wow! You have some big...

FOLLIES!!

I went in for my mid-cycle monitoring appointment today to see how I was responding with my meds and when I should trigger and do IUI#3. 
The appointment was this morning at 9:30, Hubby goes to work at 10:00 so he was able to be there during the most of the appointment.  While in the waiting room a woman came out with her very young child and ultrasound pictures. Her child was so cute and her and her hubby were so happy that they were expecting again. After they left I just started to cry. I want what she has! I know she was also at the RE office so she needed IF treatment to conceive too, so it was a weird cry. It was like "I am so happy for her! This worked!!" and "Why is her child in an infertility office?". It was odd but my hubby patted me on the back and rubbed my leg. Luckily we were the only two in the waiting room so it wasn't a big spectacle. 
When they weighed me my weight was down 3lbs from last time! I have started back on Weight Watchers hard core and have been running on my days off. I think running 1 mile in 13 minutes is pretty good for a couch potato! 
The actual ultrasound wasn't too bad, Since I have a posterior leaning uterus he has to maneuver the dildo cam a lot which makes me glad that I haven't 1. peed on him yet or 2. farted....I giggled just writing that!
So, my lining is 7.5 and they are very happy with that. 
Left Ovary: I have a 15mm and a 20mm!!
Right Ovary: I have a 25mm!!!!!!
So, I have three good follies in the running! 3 Targets for Hubbies millions of spermies!! 
My RE said that this cycle was ideal and he is cautiously hopeful. 
I also decided to go ahead and do genetic testing. It was saliva test and wasn't bad at all. I am sure it will take a couple of weeks to get the results back. If anything flags as positive then hubby will have to get his done too. Hopefully everything looks good in there!
The plan: I will do my Ovidrel trigger shot tonight at 9:00. I think hubby and I can have sexy tonight...we should have done it last night but we didn't. The IUI is scheduled for Saturday morning! 
Unfortunately this weekend is my weekend to work so I had to talk to our scheduler to see if I needed to call in or if she could find a replacement for me.  Everything will work out. 

I am excited and, like my RE, cautiously optomistic!

IMPORTANT PART: I need to name them!! I need ideas for names for my little ones in there!  I have named them!! Their names are  Huey, Duey and Louie!! And they probably look like this.

 

________________________________

This song really hits home when I think about it in terms of Infertility and future little ones.

Plan for IUI#3 is in!

So, I am definitely not pregnant! WOWZER AF came with a bang last night!!!
I thought maybe 8-9pm was too late to call the on-call RE number so I called my RE's nurse this morning to let them know AF came full flow and to get the next plan of attack for IUI#3. At first she said we would have the same plan as the last one, Femara 7.5mg+Trigger+IUI. So I hung up the phone and went back to bed. Well, I got a call a few hours later from my RE's nurse saying she talked to Dr. P about the plan. She said that because I only had one mature follicle (Remember Penelope? 17mm) and he prefers two mature ones, he is going to bump up my Femara dose.

So, IUI #3 will go a little like this....

Start Femara 10mg CD 3-8, so I will start tomorrow and end next Monday.
I will go in for my monitoring appt. on June 13th at 9:30 and we will see (hopefully) two big plump follies.
Then I will trigger when he tells me to and then IUI#3 will be in the books.

I pray to God that IUI#3 is the one for me...that third time is the charm.

Hubby and I talked about how far we are willing to go, how many of these IUIs we are willing to go through. I told him I am willing to do them as long as Dr. P still thinks it will work. Weather that is 3,7,10, etc. I don't know.

I hope everyone has a good Tuesday!

"Protect Your Heart"

Well, I'm not pregnant.

This post is a sort of narration of that past 24ish hours and a decision that I have made.

So, this whole 2ww I haven't had any symptoms and this included period symptoms. No cramping like last time, no insane facial breakouts like last time, no major irritability like last time. Silly me thought that maybe the lack of symptoms was a good thing. I even started to think that the tender/sore breast that I have had the past 2 days was a positive thing. I thought maybe...just maybe this thing might have actually worked. Of course I was wrong.

Hubby and I have been anticipating "test day" for a while and I have been nervous, while hubby has been excited. When I came home from work last night he said that he was so excited for the next morning when I test. It was almost like he was convinced that we would see two lines and only seeing one line was not an option. This whole 2ww I have been numb, purposefully not getting my hopes up and if anyone tried to give me false hope about symptoms then I would brush them off. It's hard not to get your hopes up when the person closest to you and going through it with you is so hopeful. I made the mistake of getting my hopes up last night, only to get them dashed this morning.

I woke up at 4:00 because of the cats and thought I would go ahead and pee in a cup and do the test so I could feed the animals during the 5 minute wait. I did a cheap WONDFO test, dipped it in and set it down. I gave hubby the timer (he insisted me wake him up when I test) and I went and fed the animals. The time wasn't quite done yet when I got back but I thought maybe I saw a second line. I just kept saying "Maybe it's a line...but maybe it's not...I can't tell". Because I couldn't tell I dipped the last digital test I had and "Not Pregnant" came on the screen.

I was crushed

I then opened up some of the other un-used WONDFO tests I have to see if they looked "weird" and they did. They all look like the dye is already leaking out or something. I'm not sure if I stored them in the wrong place (since it's in the same room as the shower), maybe a damp room with heat may damage the tests. I think I will throw those tests away. 

I went back to sleep after the test and woke up again at about 8:00. I began thinking about the digital test I took and remembered that the false positive test I got back in February came from the same box as this test (see Roller Coast and Not the fun kind blog post). So, of course my crazy IF brain was like "what if this one was faulty too??". So, at about 9:30 I called my RE's nurse to let her know that I got a negative test two weeks after the IUI and that I wasn't confident with the results. I told her that I probably sound crazy and that I am sure my result will, in fact, be negative, but that I need the number of a blood test to have it sink in that I am not pregnant (I mean I had no period symptoms!). We talked for a while, she opened up and said that she has been through treatments as well and she knows it is hard and messes with your head and emotions. The most important thing she told was to "Guard your Heart". She said it is like rolling dice, "you don't know if you will roll 6's on your first roll or your 8th roll, guard your heart". This really stuck with me. We talked about what would be easier for me emotionally to deal with, to go ahead and do a blood test or wait to see if AF comes tomorrow, etc. I decided that the best thing to do for me was to not do the blood test, but to get a new pack of pregnancy tests and test tomorrow or the next day if AF doesn't shower her ugly head. 

So, I ugly cried to her on the phone, when I hung up I ugly cried and then I ugly cried in the shower. Hubby heard me cry and was concerned, so he looked on me in the shower. I think he was frightened by my ugly cry/mascara running down my face

After all of that fun stuff, I went to get my yearly physical for Nurse Practitioner school, explained to the doctor that I am emotional today and that if I tear up randomly it is not because I am depressed, it is simply because I am not pregnant. HE said "I totally understand". 

So after my appointment I went and got some pink dye pregnancy tests and a big ole' cup of coffee. I got home, went to the bathroom and there she was. AF. Or, spotting at least. I am sure full blown AF will be here tomorrow, so I will call my RE's nurse and tell her to get the plan for next month! IUI #3 here we come! 

I will be enjoying some wine tonight as well!! We got a bottle of Dreaming Tree wine, Crush. It is Dave Matthew's wine = ) Love him!!

Now for the sort of big decision I have made....Hubby and I have been very open about our IF journey. I post this blog on Facebook so my friends and family can follow us along in our journey. I tell co-workers when my insemination days are, when test day is, etc. I absolutely love the support we have been getting and would not take back opening up about our Journey to everyone.

After this mornings disappointing news, it hit me that not only am I sad for me, but I will be reliving that every time someone asks me how my testing went today. It is emotional enough going through it once, but when I am going through it 5-10 times...it gets hard.

I have decided that I will no longer post this blog on Facebook. I know I will get much less views, but that is something I am willing to do. I have also decided that I will be much more ambiguous when people ask about when insemination is, when testing is, etc. Not only do I not want to re-live bad news, but I also want there to be the surprise that most pregnant women get to have! The surprise of telling family and friends when you are pregnant! I really hope everyone who reads this and whom I know in real life, understand.

 I am not trying to push you out, I am merely trying to Protect my Heart.