"Protect Your Heart"

Well, I'm not pregnant.

This post is a sort of narration of that past 24ish hours and a decision that I have made.

So, this whole 2ww I haven't had any symptoms and this included period symptoms. No cramping like last time, no insane facial breakouts like last time, no major irritability like last time. Silly me thought that maybe the lack of symptoms was a good thing. I even started to think that the tender/sore breast that I have had the past 2 days was a positive thing. I thought maybe...just maybe this thing might have actually worked. Of course I was wrong.

Hubby and I have been anticipating "test day" for a while and I have been nervous, while hubby has been excited. When I came home from work last night he said that he was so excited for the next morning when I test. It was almost like he was convinced that we would see two lines and only seeing one line was not an option. This whole 2ww I have been numb, purposefully not getting my hopes up and if anyone tried to give me false hope about symptoms then I would brush them off. It's hard not to get your hopes up when the person closest to you and going through it with you is so hopeful. I made the mistake of getting my hopes up last night, only to get them dashed this morning.

I woke up at 4:00 because of the cats and thought I would go ahead and pee in a cup and do the test so I could feed the animals during the 5 minute wait. I did a cheap WONDFO test, dipped it in and set it down. I gave hubby the timer (he insisted me wake him up when I test) and I went and fed the animals. The time wasn't quite done yet when I got back but I thought maybe I saw a second line. I just kept saying "Maybe it's a line...but maybe it's not...I can't tell". Because I couldn't tell I dipped the last digital test I had and "Not Pregnant" came on the screen.

I was crushed

I then opened up some of the other un-used WONDFO tests I have to see if they looked "weird" and they did. They all look like the dye is already leaking out or something. I'm not sure if I stored them in the wrong place (since it's in the same room as the shower), maybe a damp room with heat may damage the tests. I think I will throw those tests away. 

I went back to sleep after the test and woke up again at about 8:00. I began thinking about the digital test I took and remembered that the false positive test I got back in February came from the same box as this test (see Roller Coast and Not the fun kind blog post). So, of course my crazy IF brain was like "what if this one was faulty too??". So, at about 9:30 I called my RE's nurse to let her know that I got a negative test two weeks after the IUI and that I wasn't confident with the results. I told her that I probably sound crazy and that I am sure my result will, in fact, be negative, but that I need the number of a blood test to have it sink in that I am not pregnant (I mean I had no period symptoms!). We talked for a while, she opened up and said that she has been through treatments as well and she knows it is hard and messes with your head and emotions. The most important thing she told was to "Guard your Heart". She said it is like rolling dice, "you don't know if you will roll 6's on your first roll or your 8th roll, guard your heart". This really stuck with me. We talked about what would be easier for me emotionally to deal with, to go ahead and do a blood test or wait to see if AF comes tomorrow, etc. I decided that the best thing to do for me was to not do the blood test, but to get a new pack of pregnancy tests and test tomorrow or the next day if AF doesn't shower her ugly head. 

So, I ugly cried to her on the phone, when I hung up I ugly cried and then I ugly cried in the shower. Hubby heard me cry and was concerned, so he looked on me in the shower. I think he was frightened by my ugly cry/mascara running down my face

After all of that fun stuff, I went to get my yearly physical for Nurse Practitioner school, explained to the doctor that I am emotional today and that if I tear up randomly it is not because I am depressed, it is simply because I am not pregnant. HE said "I totally understand". 

So after my appointment I went and got some pink dye pregnancy tests and a big ole' cup of coffee. I got home, went to the bathroom and there she was. AF. Or, spotting at least. I am sure full blown AF will be here tomorrow, so I will call my RE's nurse and tell her to get the plan for next month! IUI #3 here we come! 

I will be enjoying some wine tonight as well!! We got a bottle of Dreaming Tree wine, Crush. It is Dave Matthew's wine = ) Love him!!

Now for the sort of big decision I have made....Hubby and I have been very open about our IF journey. I post this blog on Facebook so my friends and family can follow us along in our journey. I tell co-workers when my insemination days are, when test day is, etc. I absolutely love the support we have been getting and would not take back opening up about our Journey to everyone.

After this mornings disappointing news, it hit me that not only am I sad for me, but I will be reliving that every time someone asks me how my testing went today. It is emotional enough going through it once, but when I am going through it 5-10 times...it gets hard.

I have decided that I will no longer post this blog on Facebook. I know I will get much less views, but that is something I am willing to do. I have also decided that I will be much more ambiguous when people ask about when insemination is, when testing is, etc. Not only do I not want to re-live bad news, but I also want there to be the surprise that most pregnant women get to have! The surprise of telling family and friends when you are pregnant! I really hope everyone who reads this and whom I know in real life, understand.

 I am not trying to push you out, I am merely trying to Protect my Heart.