Anyone who has experienced infertility can tell you how much of an emotional roller coaster it is. I'll even expand that to anyone who is trying to conceive because once you are trying to get pregnant you are so tuned into any little cramp, ache, pain, discharge (eww), etc. Whenever you are in that 2 week wait (the two weeks after you ovulate but before your period is supposed to start) you hope and pray that some of the little symptoms you have are pregnancy symptoms, not PMS symptoms. I think for those who have experienced infertility it is sort of a different experience. We still have those hopes that these symptoms are pregnancy but we have experienced month after month of it being PMS that we are scared to think otherwise. We are scared to get our hopes up because it hurts so much when Aunt Flow comes for a visit (no one told her that she is NOT WELCOME!!?? sorry for anyone who has an aunt named Flow...)
One of the biggest emotional infertility roller coasters happened to me this weekend, I didn't want to write about it so soon but I feel confident that it is official.
I believe I ovulated about 15 days ago so I took a pregnancy test on Friday. I was alone, Richard was due to come home anytime but I wanted to take it anyways to surprise him. Well I took it and waited. It was positive!! I looked at that pee stick and it said "pregnant". All I could do was cry and say "Thank you Lord!!!!" I texted richard "when will you be home??!!!???!!". He was driving up the drive way when he got it and came into the house. I was running around the house like a mad woman looking for our "professional" camera. All I could do was grab him and say that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!!! His face was so happy! The only time I saw him so happy was when I saw him at the end of the aisle on our wedding day. He immediately hid his excitement and told me not to get too excited because it's still so soon and anything could happen. I should have listened to him but I didn't.
After I hugged him, cried to him, shoved a pee stick in his face, took a picture of a stick that I peed on I called my Reproductive endocrinologist nurse to tell her because I had no clue what to do next (I've never gotten a positive test before!). So, I went in for a Beta Hcg blood test to confirm that I was pregnant. After she drew the blood I went home to wait on her call to tell me the results.
I went home and starting to read the pregnancy books I bought about 7 months ago. She called a couple hours later and told me that she didn't have good news. She told me that my Beta Hcg was negative--result of 1. She told me it was probably a faulty urine test. I just said "ok, thank you" and hung up. I went and told my husband and he held me.
I went for dinner that night with my mom and just ugly cried to her. I was so sad! From the absolute excitement of a positive and feeling like it was just too good to be true to a knife stabbing news of the negative....It was too good to be true. Richard called me while I was at my mom's house and told me that I could have just tested too early for the blood work to show up, etc, etc. He is a Medical Laboratory Scientist so he knows about the labs. I figured if he is keeping hope alive then I should too. He told me to take another test in about 5 days.
The next day was my best friend's baby shower. I haven't told her about this situation so this may be the first time she is hearing. I cried on the way to the baby shower because I knew that it would just remind me of what I don't have. I believe I handled the shower well. I didn't have to leave to cry or anything. No one asked me when I was having children, so that was good. Honestly my happiness for her has helped me through this as well. I can channel my baby blues into getting her things for her baby.
Today I decided that I could not wait 5 days to retest, I needed to break the tie of the tests before I go to work tomorrow so that I would know if I could help lift patients and such. So I took one cheap test---negative. This evening I took a digital test-- "not pregnant". I needed to see the "not pregnant" for me to not hold on to the hope any longer. It is so EXHAUSTING to have this emotional roller coaster...
I am ok, my husband may be taking it harder than I am at this point. It may be because I am used to peeing on sticks and getting bad results. Did I mention I am tired of peeing on freaking sticks!?!
Maybe next cycle will be my cycle.
Well, at least the super bowl team I was going for won!
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