I had my monitoring appointment for IUI#5 today to check to see how the Femara worked this go around. Richard came with me to the ultrasound, which made it tolerable. Everything went fine with the actual ultrasound. I have a 10.5, 13 and 15 on my Left side and I have a 18 on my Right. No wonder my right side felt so uncomfortable! The plan is for my to trigger Tuesday night at 9:00 pm if I don't get a positive OPK before then. My RE doesn't think I will surge before Tuesday night, but I guess he wants me to do OPKs just incase. If I don't surge before Tuesday night then IUI #5 is planned for Thursday morning. I name the 3 biggest Follies Heidi, Vickie and Betsy after my RE's three amazing nurses.
How do I feel? Despite having pretty good response with my meds, for the first time I don't feel a glimmer of hope. Why would this work when the past 5 medicated cycles didn't? What will make this cycle any different? I have this IUI and then only one more before I am forced to take a treatment break. I am scared to death about this cycle not working then I must use my safety net IUI. I can't even imagine the stress and pressure it would be to be on that "last" cycle. That feeling is what scares the hell out of me. I'm not so much worried about this IUI, but the feeling of being on the last one and not knowing what the future will bring, being forced to think that you will never experience pregnancy, never have a biological child of your own. I am in tears at the moment just by the pure thought of having to be in that position.
It's not fucking fair. I feel like I am looking over the Grand Canyon into the abyss.
But yet so many other people go through things so much worst than what I am going through. People are going through cancer, chronic illnesses that cause physical pain, starvation, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, people who have children with disabilities, people who have experienced the loss of a child. My problems seem so trivial in comparison, but why do they encompass me so much? I can get so self involved sometimes, thinking my problems are the worst problems in the world and everyone needs to know that I am upset. Gosh, how self indulgent am I?
This post sucks ass.
:( Say..... I wish I could reach out and give you a big squishy ((hug)) in real life. Your post brought tears to my eyes. You have every right to feel the way you feel. You are NOT being self-indulgent. You are going through a life crisis which is comparable to all the things you listed above. Infertility is a real disease, and even though insurance companies don't view it that way (I'd like to give a big FU to them for that), it is. There is nothing fair about this situation. I love you, friend. I honest to goodness believe that God will take care of you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are in this position. Sending you a big Internet hug. I am in a similar position with our IVF cycles. After this cycle, we can comfortably afford one more fresh cycle without completely draining our savings. Part of me worries about what will happen if we get to the point that we are forced to take a break. How will I feel? I hate that for so many of us having a child may comes down to how many treatment cycles we can afford. IF sucks!
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) I'm so sorry. Even though we've had different medicated cycles I can completely identify with a lot of the feelings you are having. I struggle with the "self-indulgent" feeling too and it's hard. My fingers are crossed so hard for you that this cycle will be IT and you won't have to think about any of this again.
ReplyDeleteNew stalker here. I'm so sorry, IF really freaking sucks. I am keeping my fingers crossed so hard for you that this is YOUR cycle and you won't have to think about the next steps. The pain and heartache you feel are as real as any issue you mentioned, this is one hell of a tough journey. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteSarah... don't ever think you are selfish for being upset and angry about your circumstances. After all, it is YOUR life and YOUR hopes and dreams. Every situation is relative and don't ever let anyone make you feel like it's "not a big deal." I know it is hard to believe A LOT of the time... but everything works out how it is supposed to in the end.
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