Devastated and Crushed

Devastated and crushed are two words to describe how I feel right now.

I took a pregnancy test early this morning and got a negative.

All I can do is cry. I feel so lost and confused as to why it has gotten to this point, the point of me being at my last fertility treatment cycle. What if this cycle doesn't work? Why would this cycle work when the other 5 didn't? what would make this one any different? What's next? Why is this happening to me (but, why not me)?

Before infertility happened to me, I was such a positive person. Very optimistic and probably naïve. Days like today make me sad. Not only because of the negative test, but also because I lost my hope and optimism. I may get a little bit of it back through the cycle, but it never charges up to it's original fullness.
 I have never been so optimistic as I was during my first IUI cycle. I was so optimistic that I bought a bunch of baby trinkets as a way to tell my family and friends that I was pregnant. I bought those 7 months ago and they are buried in a box, pains me to look at it because I may never be able to use them.
 I was even optimistic during my second IUI, I mean who is lucky enough to have their first one work? I thought this one would definitely work, no doubt. Two weeks later...doubt, hope lost. And then the third, the fourth, the benched cycle, and now the fifth....

So, optimism didn't work

During the third and fourth cycle I tried to keep my cool, I was pretty good at just being numb during the whole cycle. Careful not to get my hopes up to high, but I also didn't want to put negative energy towards the cycle.

So, numbness didn't work

During the benched cycle I thought how crazy it would be if I actually got pregnant by having sex. Weird huh? To think that someone could actually get pregnant just by making love to their spouse, without any doctors, nurses, syringes, sperm washes. I know it was silly for me to think that cycle might work...but I thought that maybe it would.

so, sex didn't work

This cycle seemed like an ideal cycle I had pretty good response from my meds, hubby's sample was beautiful. It only takes 1 sperm and he had 45 million coming at me. Our timing around the IUI was good. I was optimistic during this cycle as well. I stopped running, no sushi, no alcohol. But yet, it didn't work.

so, an ideal cycle didn't work.

What will work? How am I supposed have my child? Am I even supposed to be a mother? Is this God's way of telling me that I am not even supposed to have that gig? Am I even supposed to carry a child or is adoption the way I am supposed to receive my angel from God? What about IVF, is that in my cards? And if we do spend the 12+k for IVF...what if it doesn't work? Will there be resentment there between hubby and I since he isn't a fan of it?

So many questions and only time can give me the answers. All I know is that I can't keep going on like this. The constant rollercoaster is exhausting. There is no handbook for infertility, nothing that tells me "this is what you are supposed to do and this is how you are supposed to have your child". I just have to trust that it is in the cards for me and God's plan will show through eventually. I guess I just have to wait and see.