IUI#6- the final straw

So, today is CD1. I was expecting it, wasn't a surprise since I tested two days ago. I was just ready to get that cycle over and to start on a new one. When I got the negative test a couple of days ago I called my RE's nurse to talk to her. I explained to her that this would be our last cycle, maybe forever. I explained that if this is a fail then we will be taking a very long break to save up for IVF or adoption. I also said to her that I wanted to put all the ammo we can into this cycle, whether it be injects or what. She said she was going to talk with Dr. P later in the day and to call whenever CD1 came.

Well, CD1 came and so I called.

I will be doing the same protocol. The same exact dose as I have done the past 3 or 4 IUIs. It's a weird mix between frustration, confusion, grateful that I don't have to fork over a bunch of money for expensive medicines. I expressed all of this to my RE's nurse. I just kept saying that the last few cycles didn't work, why the heck would this one? She said that his explanation was that I had very good response with this protocol and he doesn't want to mess with that. He thinks I will over respond to injects and doesn't want me to spend all of the money on it if he thinks the much less expensive option will work. I can appreciate that, the only problem is that it hasn't worked. Why would this one??

It's such a weird thing for me as well whenever I explain this to others going through IF. I want to pound my fists in frustration but yet I want to try to stick up for my RE's decision as well. I haven't lost any trust in him. I don't feel like he hasn't listened to my concerns, thoughts, etc. I work with doctors every day and I have become pretty good at asking the doctors questions in order to get the orders that I want for my patient. It's different when you are the patient. I have asked all of the questions I needed to ask of my RE, and I have verbalized all of my thoughts and concerns in order to push my RE to make a certain decision about my treatment. Some may say that since he kept the same protocol and didn't do what I say that he didn't listen to me. He knows what he's doing, I have no doubt. I truly believe he listened to what I had to say, considered it, and then made his own medical judgment on what would be best for me in my own unique situation. Am I frustrated? Hell Yes! Do I think this cycle well work? Hell to the NO! But hey, he's the RE, I'm not. If it's meant to work, then it will. If I am meant to go on this break, then I will go on the break. I'm starting to think it will be good for me. Give me time to focus on things other than IF. Maybe it will give me time to find myself again and not be totally engrossed in the world in infertility.

I don't know, I'm probably just making excuses and trying to make myself feel better about the situation. It's working for now so I'm going to roll with it!.

I also contacted a peer-led infertility support group leader in my town through the Resolve organization I explained my situation and asked about meetings. There will be a meeting Tuesday night at 6pm. I really think that I am going to go. I am so nervous, but I think it will be good!

 

"Brave" by Idina Menzel

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For to long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave