Has Time Stopped?

This post is really not about anything...I just wanted to let my reader/s know that I am still around.
Time seems to have completely stopped when it comes to this 2ww (two week wait)!!  Hubby and I can't believe how slow it is going and how far away June 3rd seems!

We have planned a fun little weekend getaway in a couple of weeks. We are going to go down to Natchez, MS and go camping and play Disc Golf. We hope to stop by some historic sites on the way, like Port Gibson. Hubby even mentioned going fishing while we are there!! I have lived in MS for 18+yrs and have never been to Natchez...this needs to be changed! We are only camping for one night and on the way back we will go by another state park and do their Disc Golf course as well. I am horrible at Disc golf but I find it to be so much fun!!

I feel like this cat...this 2ww is dragging! Get it? HA!

Penelope's Time to Shine!!

So, I had IUI#2 today!! I can't believe how fast this cycle has been going! It seems like I just wrote an entry on IUI#1! This is how the day went...

0830: This is when we had to be in the clinic for Hubby's "contribution". Things went so much better this time! No Christian Radio station this time!! He said the country station was on, it's not his style but it's a step in the right direction.

Once he was done we went to a lighting store to look for a light for the hallway then stopped for breakfast.

0940: We went back to the clinic for the IUI! We were in the waiting room for a long time. During this time a woman came in in with her two babies. Yes, I realize that she probably needed fertility treatment to conceive those two babies, but sometimes when a woman is having a hard IF day it is difficult to see children. I was a little surprised my RE clinic wasn't more sensitive to this fact. So, as I was sitting there with Hubby, two toddlers sitting to my right, the nurse comes out to talk to the lady and handed her the paperwork, she pointed at the paper and said "And this is your due date". Now this could very well have been the due date for her payment, but I had a feeling she was pregnant again and it was her pregnancy due date. I really aught to look at it in a positive way and feel comfort that my RE does produce good results!

Once the nurse called us back we were brought to the ultrasound room, instead of the usual IUI room. The nurse said that they will be doing an ultrasound before the IUI. I was really excited thinking they were just checking my follicle size, making sure too many didn't get released. It turns out the nurses need clinical practice with abdominal ultrasounds for when they do IVF. So, they did an abdominal ultrasound during the IUI so they could see the catheter going through the cervix and into the uterus. It was pretty neat seeing the catheter on the screen. They had a lot of trouble finding things in there because I have a "tilted uterus". My uterus tilts back, and I guess my cervix does too, so it took a lot of manipulation to find everything. It hurt!!! He kept having to manipulate the speculum...OUCH! the actual IUI hurt more this time than last time.
Oh! The best part is that my hubby's numbers went up by 25%!

I hope this cycle works for us and Penelope is doing her thang!

Test day is June 3rd. Just like last time I will update my blog if my test is positive but won't post it on Facebook because I don't plan to make it "Facebook Official" until we are out of the first trimester.

Penelope

So, I named my follicle Penelope! I put all the suggestions I received from FB and my 3T girls and put them into random.org and the winner is Penelope! I Really hope she sticks!!

I'm sure this is what she looks like...Miss Priss

If you think it is super silly to name my follicles, then I'm sorry. I need to do something to keep this very difficult journey light hearted and silly.

Getting Ready for IUI#2

Hello Everyone! I haven't done a post since before Mother's Day because, frankly, I haven't felt up to it. Since my BFN last Monday after IUI#1, work being crazy, and the emotions of Mother's Day in the mix, I have really been down and out. I started my higher dose of Femara 7.5mg last Thursday and took the last dose yesterday. I really have been numb this whole cycle. Since I let my hopes get up so high last time, I am so scared for them to fall again. I haven't taken pictures of my meds, haven't documented this cycle's journey, I really haven't let myself get excited at all.

I just expect it not to work.

I had my mid-cycle monitoring appointment and I really didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if it would be a repeat from last cycle, where I hardly responded at all. I didn't know if I would respond "too well" or if I would have a cyst in there. I just had no clue. That's the problem with IF, no control. So, hubby was able to come with me today for the ultrasound. Since my RE is out of town, an ultrasound technician did my ultrasound and then they would call my RE with the results and he would give his suggested plan.
Any-who...I have big ole Follicle in there! 17mm! Last cycle my biggest were 13 and 14! On the right side I have that plump 17mm follicle that seemed to have taken up all the space, and then I have about 3-4 smaller ones that ranged from 7.5mm-11mm. Then, on the left I have about 3-4 that ranged from 7.5mm-10mm. I was so overwhelmed by the response that I didn't write down the numbers!!! ::face palm:: I knew I should have gotten hubby to take notes!
So, as you can see I responded quite well. I was really concerned about responding "too well", meaning they would have to cancel the cycle. I also talked to the nurse about a possible change of plans for this cycle. As I mentioned in a previous post, we decided that we wanted to do the medicines, with a trigger shot, but do timed intercourse instead of IUI. Well, I talked to the nurse and asked if it was too late to change that up a bit. I told her that if we were to do an IUI and if it were to land on a day I have off work, then I would prefer to do an IUI instead of TI (timed intercourse). She said that she will call Dr. P and see what he thinks. She tried to call while we were there but his phone went to voice mail because he was in flight or something. I hate they have to bother him on his vacation!! I hope he went somewhere real nice...like Hawaii!

So, I ran some errands and came home. My RE's nurse called and said they Dr. P was very happy with the response and suggested I trigger Saturday night and have the IUI Monday morning!!! She didn't even have to tell him my work schedule! I am off work Monday so we will proceed with IUI#2!

Side note: My dad gave me flowers for Mother's Day. He gave me a Yellow, White and Red rose to symbolize Faith, Hope and Love. When he handed them to me he said what they symbolize and that is really what a mother is and that I am a mother-to-be. I just started crying right then and there!!! I have so much support around me! I'm sure I have said this before, but I have never had days where I have been so sad, but I have never felt more supported by family and friends around me. Even women I have never met have meant so much to me and help me get through this crazy journey known as IF.
 So, thank you for supporting me. It truly means the world to me!

Sheesh!! I almost forgot!! What shall we name by big juicy follicle???

The Wide Spectrum of Mothering-- Mother's Day

So, Mother's Day is this weekend. While I am excited to celebrate my mother, mother-in law, and grandmother, there are many women that will have a difficult time this weekend for various reasons. I saw this on my IF support group board and thought I would share it here. It's just something to think about.

The Wide Spectrum of Mothering

• To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
• To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
• To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
• To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
• To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
• To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
• To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
• To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
• To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
• To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
• To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
• To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day
• To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
• To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths
• To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
• To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
• To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart
• And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
• This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

By Amy Young (http://messymiddle.com)

http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/ 

 This is the link to the blog post where this was written.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day. If you have a hard time this weekend then be good to yourself and try to plan something to keep your mind off of what might be painful. I have faith that one year I may be a part of this day, not this year, but maybe next year or the next but one day.

Looking at the Silver Lining

Well, yesterday was a really hard day for me. Harder than I really expected it to be. I said in a previous post that I wouldn't be devastated if it was a BFN...I think I was kinda devastated. I let my hopes go up way too high...the higher the hopes and bigger the fall. If I could put it in a picture it would look like this graph. Don't mind the words and what the graph is actually about, it's just the visual of it all. Although, I wouldn't mind to have what is in Mr. Love's bank account = ). IF treatments are expensive!!


I am feeling better today, I think the bottle of wine I had last night helped out a lot. Yes, I said bottle. It was technically only two glasses of wine....the glass just happened to have been very large.



The plan was to wait for AF and call my RE for the next step.

Well, AF came for a visit today! This is where the silver lining comes in...AF came 14 days after IUI. Do you even realize what this means??? It means I ovulated!! My diagnosis is Anovulatory, meaning I don't makes eggs, thus I don't ovulate. This is huge people!! Yeah it took medication to do it, but it still did it. My body made at least 1 egg and released it. Like from my Ovary! My body did what it was supposed to do (except for get fertilized, but I will let it slide this time)!!!



So, I call my RE's nurse for the game plan for this cycle. Starting on Thursday 5/9/13 I will start Femara 7.5mg (higher dose than last cycle), CD 3-8 (one day longer than last cycle because I am a slow responder). I will go in 5/15/13 for my mid-cycle ultrasound to, hopefully, see one or two big plumpy follicles.I will have another "name that follicle" contest. I will then do the trigger shot again and then do time intercourse.
Now, last cycle I did IUI, hubby and I talked and we decided that we want to get my medicine dosage right before we did another IUI in order to prevent "wasting an IUI". We bought a package of 3 IUIs and we have already used one. This new cycle will give us the opportunity to see if this new dose of medicine is good for me and will also sort of allow us to try to get pregnant "the old fashion way". Plus, hubby is moving to days next week so we can do the deed like normal people at normal times of day.
 "The deed" at 4 in the morning is not ideal...just saying.

So, that is our plan! Thanks for the support everyone! It means so freaking much to me!

Feeling Eeyore-like

Well, today was test day. 2 weeks after IUI #1. For the past two weeks I waiting for this moment, thinking each cramp, craving and pain is a good sign.

They call those phantom symptomes

I woke up at about 4:00am and couldn't go back to sleep, so I thought I would go ahead and do my pregnancy tests since hubby was awake (he works nights). I actually dipped 3 tests...One of them a digital because I knew that no matter what the result, I would need a digital to tell me. "Not Pregnant" is what it said..the other two tests only had one line. BFN (big fat negative) for me. I told hubby and we talked at length about our next step. His preference would be to do the meds with trigger shot but not do the IUI this next cycle, just do timed intercourse.  We bought a package of 3 IUIs so he doesn't want to "waste" an IUI cycle if my body isn't used to the medication yet. I explained to him that for the last 14 months I thought we were "trying" but it was fake because I wasn't ovulating. It is really really really hard to get pregnant when you don't make eggs. So, now that we are truly"trying" with the help of medication, I want to keep the momentum going with the IUI and keep to it.
But, I thought about it a little more, and with work being really busy and many co-workers going on vacation at the end of May, I may not be able to get off of work if the IUI lands on a day that I work. So, maybe we will do Femara+Trigger+TI(timed intercourse) next cycle.
I called my RE's nurse and told her about my BFN and she was very empathetic. I told her that my period had not come yet so she said that it may take up to 7 days to come. she said that if it doesn't come by Friday then to take another Pregnancy test, if that is negative and my period doesn't come by next Monday then to call her back. I have a feeling AF is coming soon though.

How am I feeling: I was really upset this morning, especially when hubby suggested taking a break on IUI...although he may now get his wish. Hubby was disappointed as well. He was even researching vitamins on GMC.com that are supposed to help with sperm count. So, he has been doing some research. I did make sure to remind him that he is not the problem, it is me. I don't make eggs, this first IUI was just an experiment to see how my body reacts to meds.

The worst part has got be having to tell my family and friends that it was negative, it's like I am really sad that it's negative, but I am also disappointing people around me as well. I know they don't think of it that way but I can't help but have my mind go there when I am feeling so sad.

I'll be ok, just ready to get the show on the road again!

I am feeling Eeyore like today though

Tired of Waiting for Life To Happen

I have always known that I want to be a mother and that I want to go back to school to be a Nurse Practitioner. My original plan was to apply for Nurse Practitioner school after my first child and hopefully be done before the second. I wasn't really willing to hold off on motherhood to start school, so first goal was baby.

 Life doesn't always go the way we want.

Back in October I realized that I wasn't getting pregnant any time soon. I was very discouraged and was concerned that I was going to go into a depression. I decided that I would no longer wait around for something that may/may not happen, so I started the process to apply to Nurse Practitioner school. I started studying for the GRE and ended up taking it and making the minimum grade needed for the school I was wanting to go to (math is not my strong suit). I work at a teaching hospital that has a Nurse Practitioner program there, so ideally I would go to school where I work. Plus, if you go to school there and work there then they pay for 6 hours a semester (woot!!).
After taking the GRE, I applied to the Psychiatric/Mental Health Nurse Practitioner Program to my desired school. The deadline for applications weren't until the end of March (I turned mine in in November) so I had a loooooong wait!
Well, the wait is over!
I received an e-mail that told me that I was accepted to the program!! I am very excited but very nervous. I have been out of the swing of school for 4 years now, I hope I can do this!! I will be going part-time and the majority of the program is online so that I can continue to work full time.

Many may wonder how all of this fertility treatment will go with going back to school.

I'd like to think that I am not completely irresponsible.

Even if this cycle works I won't be due until January 2014 so I will be able to get through the first semester of school. Whichever semester the baby is due, I plan to take that semester off. I was told that the school allows you to take a semester off if needed. I know for a fact that many women are pregnant and give birth while in school so I am sure they have a plan in place for such occasions. I will not put my life on hold any longer.

Nothing much to update about this cycle. I am 9dpIUI (9 days post IUI). I haven't peed on any sticks, nor do I plan to until Monday. I have been having some cramps and headaches. If I look into symptoms too much then I will make myself crazy.
My mindset for today? not optimistic. I have a feeling these symptoms are PMS and I'm "ok" with that. This was just our first medicated cycle. The first one is generally just a test to see how my body works so I won't be completely devastated if it is a BFN (big fat negative). Will I be sad? yes...Devastated? no.