Good "Mourning" (TMI warning)

"Untitled" by Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me 

I wanted to start out with the lyrics to this Simple Plan song  because, as I was taking my walk this morning, this song came on Pandora and I just started to cry. I started to cry because I don't know why my body isn't doing what it is supposed to. I started to cry because I am officially at the one year mark of trying to conceive and I have nothing to show for it (yes, I realized that many try for much much longer and that I am only at the beginning of this journey, but the hardest part about doing a marathon is having the guts to sign up for it, right?---Disclaimer: I have no experience with a marathon nor will I ever, I can't even run a mile). I started to cry because I can't stand that the majority of what I think about is my inability to get pregnant. I started to cry because I realized that I am in mourning.

 Since I am a psych nurse I began to think about my journey so far and tried to determine if I have gone through any of the 5 stages of Grief. Yes, yes I have. 

1. Denial: I have been in Denial for the past year. I have come up with so many excuses and reasons why things happen. If I start to spot then I think "Oh, it must be implantation bleeding!", knowing good and well that it is not. Every time I pee on those stupid sticks I think "It's just too early", or "I put too much/little pee on it", or "the test is wrong". But all of this ends the same...with nothing. I believe I got through the Denial phase once I stopped having a period on my own. I have not had a period on my own since early October. I have had to take a medication call Provera to start it. Well, Dr. P wants me to start on my own this cycle, without medication, so I am currently at cycle day 41 with no period in sight. I am no doctor, nor do I try to be one, but in my opinion I don't believe I have ovulated since I got off birth control pills...or at least since October. It makes it really really hard to conceive on your own if you don't ovulate. Since I have decided that this is my problem, I have successfully come out of the Denial phase. 

2. Anger: I am still angry at times. I am angry that 16 year olds, those strung out on crack cocaine, and those with no job or ability to pay for themselves, much less a child, can cough and get pregnant (umm..bitter bitterson much?). I am angry that I actually have those thoughts. I am angry that I pay a lot of money for my health insurance but it doesn't pay ANYTHING towards fertility treatments. It will pay whenever I do get pregnant but It wont' help me get that way. I get angry because I feel like it is almost taboo for someone to talk about fertility problems. It is a real problem, I have heard that 1:8 couples will struggle with some sort of infertility problems. If people would talk about it more, maybe women/men who are struggling with it wouldn't feel so alone. I still struggle with this stage but I have, for the most part, moved passed it. 

3. Bargaining: Funny story, I was at Babies R Us shopping for a baby shower gift. When I was at the check out, the cashier started to ask who I was shopping for and such. She then began to tell me about her best friend who was trying for another baby. But then she got twins! She then said that her friend only wanted one baby but is now happy to have twins. So, I tried to speak under my breath but it came out a lot louder than anticipated...I said "I'll take one". She promptly stared at me like I had 3 heads while handing me my receipt, so I walked away quickly. I was bargaining with a total stranger over her best friend's baby. I have moved past this stage (quickly), because it was ridiculous.

4. Depression: I am here (please don't suggest I go on Celexa or something, I am not clinically depressed). I have this overwhelming sense of sadness. I am so sad that I can't do this on my own. I am sad that whenever we do have a child and we talk about the birds and the bees, it wouldn't be correct if all we said was "sometimes, when two people fall in love, they love each other so much that they make love one night and that is how a baby is made!". That will not be our story. Yes, two people fell in love, and yes we love each other so much that we are willing to do whatever possible to make a baby. But our story will more than likely involve medication, shots, ultra sounds, Dr. P, a nurse, a medical assistance, a sample from my poor husband (did you know they have to do it dry?? sorry TMI!), a syringe, me on an exam table in stirrups, prayers upon prayers...this is how you, my sweet, perfect gift from God, child, were created. I am sad that I feel the need to make comments, at random times, about my inability to get pregnant. I do this to many people, I am pretty sure they don't really want to hear about it. For one, I'm sure it makes them feel very uncomfortable (people don't like feel uncomfortable), and two they don't know what to say. I don't blame them. I am going to try to just have my word diarrhea on this blog because that makes it your fault because you opened the link to look at it (hehe) . Thank you for taking the time out of your day to look at it.I try to put on a happy, confident face, but I am just not that woman right now. No one wants to be friends with a sad person so I trudge on. I am thankful for those who allow me to vent. I need it.

5. Acceptance: I'm not there yet. I am getting there, but I am not there yet.

Now that you are thoroughly depressed: here you go! Kitty cats are funny.