Hope

¹hope

verb \ˈhōp\

: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true

 

 

I have talked about hope before. I have talked about how my hope seemed to slowly disappear after each failed IUI cycles. Now that I am on a break and IVF is our next step, I am feeling hope again. I am hopeful that IVF will work, that we may even get some frosties for a future IVF. If the IVF does not work then I have hope and faith that I will then be ready emotionally to move on to adoption.

 

I went to an infertility support group last night, there were four of us total. Two of the women went to the same RE as me and either did IVF with him or is about to start an IVF cycle. I was able to pick their brain about IVF with Dr. P. Apparently the package he chose for us is the "good" package. Like it's the package he chooses if he is super optimistic. That makes me feel good, and hopeful. I just hope my body lives up to the hype!

 

On other news, I ran 3 miles yesterday. It felt really good just do a free run. It makes me so happy that I am able to run that far, especially since I don't necessarily stop because I get winded, my legs just get tired and feet hurt. I'm hoping the hip pain and feet aching will stop or get better the more I run. I will probably start the 5k-10k program over again since I am starting back up running. I am super slow, but I am focusing on distance.

 

Today, I am ok

So, since I am on a break, essentially, from trying to conceive, I wasn't sure if this blog would have any substance or anything to fill the pages. I don't really have any cycles to talk about or get excited about. No doctors appointments to look forward to, no monitoring appointments.
I feel different everyday about being on a fertility treatment break. Some days I am really really sad about it, while other days I welcome the break. I welcome the break from medicines, vaginal ultrasounds, having to worry about having sex at certain times and having to miss work so I can be inseminated.
This break has made hubby and I think about where our money is going and ways to save more money. We have a goal and we are trying to figure out how to attain this goal as soon as we can.

I did start running again today. I haven't run since the end of September. It has been almost a month! I ended up running 2 miles, average pace of 13 minutes. I feel pretty good about that since I haven't run in a while. I've been having problems with aching hips and weird twinges of pain on the bottom of my feet. Not sure if taking prophylactic Ibuprofen will help with that or not. I do have a goal of running a 10k by the time we start IVF. I know I couldn't imagine running 3 miles a few months ago and now I can't imagine running 6. I can't imagine my hips and feet carrying me that far. I plan to keep trying to increase my distance, slowly but surely.

School is also going well. I am halfway done with my first semester of graduate school. I can't believe the first semester is already halfway done. I hope all the semesters seem to go by just as quickly! I have a lot of deadline coming up, and I am actually feeling pretty stressed with everything. When I'm not working 12 hour shifts I am doing school work. When I am not doing school work I am trying to spend time with my husband. It feels like a lot to balance at the moment, but I welcome it.

I guess there really isn't a point to this post, and I hope I can think of things to post about while we are on this break.



IVF

This is me today




Today is 16 days after IUI#6 and AF came this afternoon. It's over. My Hail Mary treatment cycle didn't work. So, this means I am done with fertility treatments for a year, or really until we can save up $15,000 or so for IVF. I am really upset, mostly numb and in disbelief. I never ever thought I would need IVF. When I started seeing my RE I refused to get the infectious disease testing because that was just needed if we did IVF and OF COURSE we would never need IVF because the IUIs would work.

They didn't work...

I just can't believe this is my reality. I can't believe that we have to take a year off of treatments. I won't be going on BCPs during this time, that is just more money and I don't want the option of a "surprise" pregnancy to be eliminated (HAHA!!).

Anyways...I will still be posting on there because I still consider us trying to conceive just with very very poor odds. I may write more about this later, I just feel so in shock right now and heart broken. I am sitting in the library at work and don't feel like crying in public. I'll probably call my RE at some point this afternoon or maybe tomorrow.

FU IF, I don't like you!!

"Our Love is So Right"

"So Right"

Roll out down to midnight
Then roll on downtown 'til it's light
Because tomorrow we may die
Oh, but tonight we're dancing in the faint light
Don't you rob yourself of what you're feeling
Don't rob yourself of all that you could be
Roll hard 'til midnight
Roll 'til it's light

Come on now
Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
Roll the red carpet out with friends
To whom, to love and roll on

Our love is so right
I won't waste a minute here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance is all about you

To midnight love you,
Roll on and run the red lights
You know the game now is keep it tight

Oh, how I love your pretty rock-roll kisses
Come on and stay with me
Roll on and run the red lights
Come on, this love is so right

Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
To roll the red carpet out with friends
Oh, to love and roll on now

Our love is so right
I can taste
We're in it here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance
Is all about you

I'm going crazy
And it's all 'cause of you (it's all 'cause of you)
I'm going under, over you, over you...

This time is so alive
Everybody's tranced, dancing tonight
Oh so beautiful, and so strange
Oh, it was empty until you came...

Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain on your light
Our love is so right
I'll not forget how you look right now

Our love is so right
Remember let's just move together
Our love is so right
I swear it would last forever

Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain down on you
Our love is so right...

 

So, Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary, and I have to say that I have an absolutely amazing husband. We have really been through a lot this last year and he has stepped up and been there for me. We are stronger than ever and ready to face whatever life has in store for us. Not only have we been struggling with infertility but he also helped me through the loss of a friend last November.

Every month I go through a sort of loss whenever I am not pregnant. I go through a mourning process of mourning that months efforts, money, emotions, extreme sadness and anger. My hubby has gone through 21 months of this. He has helped me through every single month for 21 months. He has seen me ugly cry so hard I can't speak, all he can do is hold me. He has helped me through my anger and questions of "why us?". He realizes that infertility isn't "my fault" and gets disappointed every month as well. He keeps strong though. One of us has to be. He has the level head and he is the realist. I love him so much for being my backbone through this process and even more for allowing the process to continue. He agreed to IVF because he understands that I need to try it before I can emotionally move on to adoption. He loves me so much and I love to the moon and back. I can not wait to see what, not only the next year brings, but what the next 50+ years bring.

 

We are just getting started, and that is so exciting to me.