Good "Mourning" (TMI warning)

"Untitled" by Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me 

I wanted to start out with the lyrics to this Simple Plan song  because, as I was taking my walk this morning, this song came on Pandora and I just started to cry. I started to cry because I don't know why my body isn't doing what it is supposed to. I started to cry because I am officially at the one year mark of trying to conceive and I have nothing to show for it (yes, I realized that many try for much much longer and that I am only at the beginning of this journey, but the hardest part about doing a marathon is having the guts to sign up for it, right?---Disclaimer: I have no experience with a marathon nor will I ever, I can't even run a mile). I started to cry because I can't stand that the majority of what I think about is my inability to get pregnant. I started to cry because I realized that I am in mourning.

 Since I am a psych nurse I began to think about my journey so far and tried to determine if I have gone through any of the 5 stages of Grief. Yes, yes I have. 

1. Denial: I have been in Denial for the past year. I have come up with so many excuses and reasons why things happen. If I start to spot then I think "Oh, it must be implantation bleeding!", knowing good and well that it is not. Every time I pee on those stupid sticks I think "It's just too early", or "I put too much/little pee on it", or "the test is wrong". But all of this ends the same...with nothing. I believe I got through the Denial phase once I stopped having a period on my own. I have not had a period on my own since early October. I have had to take a medication call Provera to start it. Well, Dr. P wants me to start on my own this cycle, without medication, so I am currently at cycle day 41 with no period in sight. I am no doctor, nor do I try to be one, but in my opinion I don't believe I have ovulated since I got off birth control pills...or at least since October. It makes it really really hard to conceive on your own if you don't ovulate. Since I have decided that this is my problem, I have successfully come out of the Denial phase. 

2. Anger: I am still angry at times. I am angry that 16 year olds, those strung out on crack cocaine, and those with no job or ability to pay for themselves, much less a child, can cough and get pregnant (umm..bitter bitterson much?). I am angry that I actually have those thoughts. I am angry that I pay a lot of money for my health insurance but it doesn't pay ANYTHING towards fertility treatments. It will pay whenever I do get pregnant but It wont' help me get that way. I get angry because I feel like it is almost taboo for someone to talk about fertility problems. It is a real problem, I have heard that 1:8 couples will struggle with some sort of infertility problems. If people would talk about it more, maybe women/men who are struggling with it wouldn't feel so alone. I still struggle with this stage but I have, for the most part, moved passed it. 

3. Bargaining: Funny story, I was at Babies R Us shopping for a baby shower gift. When I was at the check out, the cashier started to ask who I was shopping for and such. She then began to tell me about her best friend who was trying for another baby. But then she got twins! She then said that her friend only wanted one baby but is now happy to have twins. So, I tried to speak under my breath but it came out a lot louder than anticipated...I said "I'll take one". She promptly stared at me like I had 3 heads while handing me my receipt, so I walked away quickly. I was bargaining with a total stranger over her best friend's baby. I have moved past this stage (quickly), because it was ridiculous.

4. Depression: I am here (please don't suggest I go on Celexa or something, I am not clinically depressed). I have this overwhelming sense of sadness. I am so sad that I can't do this on my own. I am sad that whenever we do have a child and we talk about the birds and the bees, it wouldn't be correct if all we said was "sometimes, when two people fall in love, they love each other so much that they make love one night and that is how a baby is made!". That will not be our story. Yes, two people fell in love, and yes we love each other so much that we are willing to do whatever possible to make a baby. But our story will more than likely involve medication, shots, ultra sounds, Dr. P, a nurse, a medical assistance, a sample from my poor husband (did you know they have to do it dry?? sorry TMI!), a syringe, me on an exam table in stirrups, prayers upon prayers...this is how you, my sweet, perfect gift from God, child, were created. I am sad that I feel the need to make comments, at random times, about my inability to get pregnant. I do this to many people, I am pretty sure they don't really want to hear about it. For one, I'm sure it makes them feel very uncomfortable (people don't like feel uncomfortable), and two they don't know what to say. I don't blame them. I am going to try to just have my word diarrhea on this blog because that makes it your fault because you opened the link to look at it (hehe) . Thank you for taking the time out of your day to look at it.I try to put on a happy, confident face, but I am just not that woman right now. No one wants to be friends with a sad person so I trudge on. I am thankful for those who allow me to vent. I need it.

5. Acceptance: I'm not there yet. I am getting there, but I am not there yet.

Now that you are thoroughly depressed: here you go! Kitty cats are funny.

Plankin'

So, the weight loss challenge continues. I am doing a lot better with portion control. If I go out to eat I only eat half of my meal and take the rest home. I am, however, getting pretty stressed out about my boss being my weight loss partner. I feel a lot of pressure to lose weight quickly but I know it isn't healthy. I am just going to keep doing what I am doing and just pray I lose some lbs! 

Along with portion control, I am doing a 10 day Plank Challenge. I am on day 6. Can I say OMG!!! It is really hard! I wasn't able to complete today's challenge of 1 minute 30 seconds without taking a break. I am pretty proud of myself for doing what I am doing though. 

 

Weather has been pretty crazy lately. A really bad Tornado hit Hattiesburg, MS on Feb. 10 and it reeked havoc on the town. My thoughts and prayers are on that town and surrounding towns...all those effected. 

Biggest Loser... Psych!

So, the unit that I work on has started a "Biggest Loser" challenge. I figured I could use to lose a few pounds so I signed up! My goal is to lose about 20lbs. A year ago I lost 21lbs using Weight Watchers online, then over this past year I gained about 10 of it back, so I need to get to my original goal!!  My Reproduction Endocrinologist referred me to a Dietician because my LDL cholesterol was slightly elevated, so I saw the Dietician Wednesday. The Dietician said I was doing pretty well, he didn't see anything in my diet that made him say "OMG YOU EAT THAT?!?". He weighed me and even said he wasn't too concerned with my BMI (29, ugh!) since the BMI doesn't necessarily pertain to everyone and how healthy they are. I would still like to get that number down!!
So, I walked 4 miles yesterday and 1 mile today after work. This is how I feel:
 
The first weigh in was this morning and I lost 1lb. I was pretty content with that, but would have loved for it to be more! During this Biggest Loser challenge they randomly paired us with a partner to motivate us. So, OF COURSE, my partner is my new boss!! No pressure!! She called me at work telling me we need to step up our game and that she just ate a Do-nut. She said we have to make a pact to cut out sugars = (. So, of course I am craving a huge chocolate cake. Not just one piece...the whole thing.
So we shall see how this goes!!

Roller Coaster, and not the fun kind

Anyone who has experienced infertility can tell you how much of an emotional roller coaster it is. I'll even expand that to anyone who is trying to conceive because once you are trying to get pregnant you are so tuned into any little cramp, ache, pain, discharge (eww), etc. Whenever you are in that 2 week wait (the two weeks after you ovulate but before your period is supposed to start) you hope and pray that some of the little symptoms you have are pregnancy symptoms, not PMS symptoms. I think for those who have experienced infertility it is sort of a different experience. We still have those hopes that these symptoms are pregnancy but we have experienced month after month of it being PMS that we are scared to think otherwise. We are scared to get our hopes up because it hurts so much when Aunt Flow comes for a visit (no one told her that she is NOT WELCOME!!?? sorry for anyone who has an aunt named Flow...)
One of the biggest emotional infertility roller coasters happened to me this weekend, I didn't want to write about it so soon but I feel confident that it is official.
I believe I ovulated about 15 days ago so I took a pregnancy test on Friday. I was alone, Richard was due to come home anytime but I wanted to take it anyways to surprise him. Well I took it and waited. It was positive!! I looked at that pee stick and it said "pregnant". All I could do was cry and say "Thank you Lord!!!!" I texted richard "when will you be home??!!!???!!". He was driving up the drive way when he got it and came into the house. I was running around the house like a mad woman looking for our "professional" camera. All I could do was grab him and say that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!!! His face was so happy! The only time I saw him so happy was when I saw him at the end of the aisle on our wedding day. He immediately hid his excitement and told me not to get too excited because it's still so soon and anything could happen. I should have listened to him but I didn't.
After I hugged him, cried to him, shoved a pee stick in his face, took a picture of a stick that I peed on I called my Reproductive endocrinologist nurse to tell her because I had no clue what to do next (I've never gotten a positive test before!). So, I went in for a Beta Hcg blood test to confirm that I was pregnant.  After she drew the blood I went home to wait on her call to tell me the results.
I went home and starting to read the pregnancy books I bought about 7 months ago. She called a couple hours later and told me that she didn't have good news. She told me that my Beta Hcg was negative--result of 1. She told me it was probably a faulty urine test. I just said "ok, thank you" and hung up. I went and told my husband and he held me.
I went for dinner that night with my mom and just ugly cried to her. I was so sad! From the absolute excitement of a positive and feeling like it was just too good to be true to a knife stabbing news of the negative....It was too good to be true. Richard called me while I was at my mom's house and told me that I could have just tested too early for the blood work to show up, etc, etc. He is a Medical Laboratory Scientist so he knows about the labs. I figured if he is keeping hope alive then I should too. He told me to take another test in about 5 days.
The next day was my best friend's baby shower. I haven't told her about this situation so this may be the first time she is hearing. I cried on the way to the baby shower because I knew that it would just remind me of what I don't have. I believe I handled the shower well. I didn't have to leave to cry or anything. No one asked me when I was having children, so that was good. Honestly my happiness for her has helped me through this as well. I can channel my baby blues into getting her things for her baby.
Today I decided that I could not wait 5 days to retest, I needed to break the tie of the tests before I go to work tomorrow so that I would know if I could help lift patients and such. So I took one cheap test---negative. This evening I took a digital test-- "not pregnant". I needed to see the "not pregnant" for me to not hold on to the hope any longer. It is so EXHAUSTING to have this emotional roller coaster...
I am ok, my husband may be taking it harder than I am at this point. It may be because I am used to peeing on sticks and getting bad results. Did I mention I am tired of peeing on freaking sticks!?!
Maybe next cycle will be my cycle. 
Well, at least the super bowl team I was going for won!