26 weeks and NIAW

It seems as I have moved to an every other week schedule for updates. I am sort of in between doctors visits and nothing super exciting or new is happening. It's been a rough few weeks with quite a few late losses on a few Facebook groups. I can't help but worry that something like that will happen to me and my sweet Eli. I get comfort from his kicks and wiggles but that fear continues. I think I just need to accept that the fear will continue until he is healthy in my arms...and then a totally different fear of actually having to care for him and keep him alive will arrive. I guess the worry and concern for your child, whether it is trying to get pregnant, successfully carry baby, successfully give birth and then successfully raise a child will just always be there. There are just new worries and new concerns.

I am happy that I am getting close to 3rd Tri. I really didn't feel well yesterday and I can't really put my finger on what is actually wrong. I just don't feel "right". I kept getting a dizzy type feeling and just wasn't feeling totally present. I checked my blood pressure at work and it was normal, so I assume my blood sugar was low or maybe I haven't kept myself hydrated. Working 12 hour shifts is starting to wear me down more and more. I had to take off of work today so that I could hydrate up and prop my feet up. As much as I need the money, I need me and Eli to be healthier more.

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) starts tomorrow and I have already posted a pre-week status update on facebook and changed my cover photo for the week. I plan to post information about infertility each day as a way to spread awareness. I did this last year as well as sort of a "coming out". It's a little different this year. I fear that I may come across as insincere or as a "poser" since I am now pregnant. I added the infertility twibbon to my profile picture, but of course my profile picture is a pregnant me...I hope it's not a slap in the face to those still in the struggle. I also don't know if I should still claim myself as one of the 1:8 who struggle since I am now pregnant or if I should be more of an outside supporter. These things I struggle with and will just have to go with what I feel is right. I am so proud of my IF friends who have chosen to use this year's NIAW to "come out" and I pray they get nothing but support and love from those around them.

How Far Along: 26 Weeks --Head of lettuce
 Total Weight Gain: I haven't weighed myself so I have no idea = )

Maternity Clothes: I think I am really going to miss my maternity clothes. I just feel like I look cute every day and I can't help but look at more clothes even though I only have a few months left!

 Stretch Marks:

Sleep: It is still uncomfortable and I toss and turn a lot. I try not to sleep on my back, but I almost always end up there. 

 Best Moment This Week: Hubby finally felt him kick = )

 Miss Anything: I miss being able to work my 12 hour shifts and walk long distances without having difficulty. I have a 5k planned for next Saturday that I am just unsure I will be able to do. Whenever I walk for a reasonable distance I get really bad right sided pain that I assume is round ligament pain. There is no way I could walk 3 miles with that pain.

Movement: I feel him every day. He is mostly active in the mornings and at night. I can't go to sleep until I feel him moving in there. It's a comfort thing, like he's telling me "I'm still here mom, you can sleep now". we have a cool mother/son relationship like that.

 Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: No, not really sick. I just need to keep hydrated and eat more frequently.

Cravings:Not really 

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!!! Eli Preston!!

Labor Signs: No, I am waiting for the braxton hicks contractions to start though.
Symptoms:I just love feeling him move. I get tired and the round ligament pain is very painful, along with rib pain that I can only assume means that Eli has found a home under my rib cage. I guess I'm just getting to the uncomfortable part of this whole thing, it's all worth it though and wouldn't take it back for anything. 

Belly Button In or Out: In, but I can definitely tell that it's pushed out more. 

Wedding Rings On or Off: On

Feeling:I feel fine, just more uncomfortable the bigger he gets (good problem to have). I've pretty much had my pity party in the beginning of the post, so I won't go through it again = )

Exercise: I have been trying to keep walking. I did a breast cancer walk last saturday with my mom. We finished it in less than an hour, but I know I was slowing her down a lot. by the end of the walk my side was starting to hurt. I have another scheduled for next Saturday that I am just not sure if I will be able to complete it or not. I'm not a quiter, so this is a hard decision....do I try or not try?

Looking Forward To: I have a baby shower planned for next sunday!! I am so so excited. I am sort of terrified of being the center of attention...I still have PTSD from my bridal shower...but I think it will mostly be fun. Baby things are more fun to ooo and ahhh at than pots and pans = )

 Next Appointment: April 30-- our last every 4 week appt!!

many many pictures: 

Nursery!! We still have to accessorize and need glider.

Clock hubby made for nursery

my contribution = )

22 Weeks and a Heavy Heart

 I wanted to start this post off with something very serious. A fellow infertility turned success after infertility blogger received some very sad news last night and confirmation of this news today. My heart goes out to her, her husband, and her sweet angel. It is not fair that anyone go through infertility...but to go through infertility, have success and then a tragedy happen? It's just so F*ing not fair and I don't understand it. I can not fathom what her and her husband must be going through right now, but My heart goes out to her and I would like to ask my reader(s) to pray, positive thoughts, or whatever you prefer to lift her and her husband up as much as possible. It's just not fair. 
________________________________________

As for my updates, I missed week 21, but nothing really new happened. Things are going very well for us (me, hubby, and Eli). I feel him move daily and I believe he has gotten big enough to reach my rib area. 

The most amazing thing happened today too!!! I went to get my hair done and as soon as I walked into my hair salon my RE came up to me and gave me a hug!!! An onlooker would have thought I had seen a celebrity! I was so so happy to see him. I am just so thankful for him and his nurses. I know I didn't necessarily have success during an IF treatment but I did take Femara and they just supported me so much. They gave me so much hope and I could not brag about them enough = )

We book our "baby-moon" too! We didn't have much time since I can't really take off work due to my maternity leave being my personal/medical leave. We found a cabin in a small town in Louisiana located on a sugar cane field that we will stay for two nights. I look forward to just relaxing and sitting on the porch. This won't happen until May...but I'm excited!

How Far Along: 22 Weeks
Total Weight Gain: +6lbs at my last OB appt. Probably more since then but I haven't weighed myself.

Maternity Clothes: LOVE 'EM!!

 Stretch Marks:

Sleep: It's tough. I use the body pillow and all, but I get so achy and uncomfortable. Not to mention the heart burn.

 Best Moment This Week: I saw my RE today!! squeeee!!! Plus, Hubby started working on the nursery!!!

 Miss Anything: I miss being able to sleep really well and not having heartburn

Movement: I feel him daily and more in the rib area too. I guess he is getting bigger! I had my first "Wow! Ow!" kick a few days ago. Hubby still hasn't seen him move and I haven't seen him move from the outside.

 Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Not really. I have had to take Zofran once or twice, but over all I feel good. Something came out of my nip nip a few days ago and it made me gag and almost threw up. Not sure how I will breast feed...I won't go into detail. 

Cravings:I got some crawfish!! Yay!! I have also been on a cereal kick. 

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!!! Eli Preston!!

Labor Signs: waaay too early.
Symptoms: Loving the movements!!!Heart burn, boo.

Belly Button In or Out: In 

Wedding Rings On or Off: On

Feeling: I feel great. And so thankful whenever I feel Eli move.

Exercise: I went on a 4 mile walk last week! It felt so so good to get outside and walk. I really felt great during the walk and hope I can continue. I am signed up for a couple 5k walks next months so I need to stay active!

Looking Forward To: I am looking forward to hubby being able to feel Eli kick and see the changes in the nursery every day! Hubby is in there working on it now = )

 Next Appointment: April 2nd

12 weeks- Plum

I wanted to start this post with sort of an analogy I came up with after my nap today. I have had a really difficult time figuring out where I stand, now being pregnant after infertility. I have had a lot of guilt about my friends who have gone through so much more than me but are still not pregnant, and I am. So, here is my analogy.

I feel like those who are and have dealt with infertility are all running a marathon (I have never run a marathon, but let me imagine) and those who are pregnant after infertility are near the end. We don't cross the finish line but instead turn around and wait, yelling, cheering, screaming, crying on those still running. Our team mates, our family.

 

Because we all will cross this finish line together. As long as there are still couples going through infertility we will all be cheering everyone on. Until we find a cure for this stupid thing, until there is no such thing as "unexplained" infertility, as long as science continues to prosper and new discoveries are made...We will all cross this finish line together.

 

This analogy may not work for everyone, but that's how I feel. I don't feel like I have finished my marathon, I just feel like my energy now will go towards cheering on others so we can all cross that finish line together.

 

 

 

 

Now my updates

 



 

How Far Along: 12 Weeks, large plum
Total Weight Gain: none yet

Maternity Clothes: I pretty much wear maternity jeans when I am not in scrubs or PJs. Extra room for my bloat = ) Plus I want to get my use out of them!

 Stretch Marks: No, no new ones

Sleep: Sleep is ok. It takes me a while to get into position and I have to get up a couple times at night to pee.

 Best Moment This Week: First OB apt and we got to see little one again!

 Miss Anything: I have really wanted a subway sandwich but am trying not to eat lunch meat.

Movement: Too early

 Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: I have felt ok lately but smells still bother me enough that I can't go into the cafeteria at work.

Cravings: I don't think I would call anything a craving. I enjoy pickles a lot though. yummmmm

Gender: I've been thinking boy

Labor Signs: waaay too early.
Symptoms: Boobs hurt. heart burn has started up. still vomiting maybe 3 nights a week.  

Belly Button In or Out: In 

Wedding Rings On or Off: On

Feeling: I feel pretty good since I had my OB apt Monday and was able to see little one.

Exercise:  none. I try to walk but its so darn cold out. brrrr

Looking Forward To: NT exam on Monday!!

 Next Appointment: NT scan 1/13. OB appt. 2/4

 

Baby Bedi standing on his/her head

God Has to have a sense of Humor

 

I swear God has got to have a sense of humor, because life can be so funny sometimes.

After 6 failed IUIs we decided to take a treatment break to save up for IVF. When I say treatment break, I mean break from everything. No OPKs, temping, none of it. So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw this on November 13,2013 on CD29

 

 

That's right....I'M KTFU!!!!! I went in for my beta the next day 11/14/13 and it was 932!! My RE said that the beta was so strong he didn't want to waste my money on getting another one. My first ultrasound is scheduled for 6 weeks 7 days on December 3. My EDD is 7/23/14.

 

I can not tell you how both excited and terrified I am. I am scared to get excited but yet when I see those four positive tests and that amazing beta...I just can't help but be so thankful. I just can't believe this happened this way. No only not on treatments but I actually got KU having sex. I mean who would have thought!!

 

How I told my hubby: I had sent him a picture of the first pee stick because I thought my eyes were messing with me. He thought he saw a faint second line but was cautious. On his way home from work that night I took another cheapie and a FRER test. I waited in the nursery for him. When I heard him coming I called out to him and said "Do you think we can get this ready in 9 months?" he said "Of course....wait....REALLY!?!".

He is definitely cautious. I think he relaxed more when he saw my beta number. He's the best baby daddy ever!!

 

I want to try to wait and tell my and hubby's family for Christmas, that will be 10 weeks. I just hope I can keep this a secret!!!

 

Thank you readers for all of your support!!

 







Hope

¹hope

verb \ˈhōp\

: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true

 

 

I have talked about hope before. I have talked about how my hope seemed to slowly disappear after each failed IUI cycles. Now that I am on a break and IVF is our next step, I am feeling hope again. I am hopeful that IVF will work, that we may even get some frosties for a future IVF. If the IVF does not work then I have hope and faith that I will then be ready emotionally to move on to adoption.

 

I went to an infertility support group last night, there were four of us total. Two of the women went to the same RE as me and either did IVF with him or is about to start an IVF cycle. I was able to pick their brain about IVF with Dr. P. Apparently the package he chose for us is the "good" package. Like it's the package he chooses if he is super optimistic. That makes me feel good, and hopeful. I just hope my body lives up to the hype!

 

On other news, I ran 3 miles yesterday. It felt really good just do a free run. It makes me so happy that I am able to run that far, especially since I don't necessarily stop because I get winded, my legs just get tired and feet hurt. I'm hoping the hip pain and feet aching will stop or get better the more I run. I will probably start the 5k-10k program over again since I am starting back up running. I am super slow, but I am focusing on distance.

 

Today, I am ok

So, since I am on a break, essentially, from trying to conceive, I wasn't sure if this blog would have any substance or anything to fill the pages. I don't really have any cycles to talk about or get excited about. No doctors appointments to look forward to, no monitoring appointments.
I feel different everyday about being on a fertility treatment break. Some days I am really really sad about it, while other days I welcome the break. I welcome the break from medicines, vaginal ultrasounds, having to worry about having sex at certain times and having to miss work so I can be inseminated.
This break has made hubby and I think about where our money is going and ways to save more money. We have a goal and we are trying to figure out how to attain this goal as soon as we can.

I did start running again today. I haven't run since the end of September. It has been almost a month! I ended up running 2 miles, average pace of 13 minutes. I feel pretty good about that since I haven't run in a while. I've been having problems with aching hips and weird twinges of pain on the bottom of my feet. Not sure if taking prophylactic Ibuprofen will help with that or not. I do have a goal of running a 10k by the time we start IVF. I know I couldn't imagine running 3 miles a few months ago and now I can't imagine running 6. I can't imagine my hips and feet carrying me that far. I plan to keep trying to increase my distance, slowly but surely.

School is also going well. I am halfway done with my first semester of graduate school. I can't believe the first semester is already halfway done. I hope all the semesters seem to go by just as quickly! I have a lot of deadline coming up, and I am actually feeling pretty stressed with everything. When I'm not working 12 hour shifts I am doing school work. When I am not doing school work I am trying to spend time with my husband. It feels like a lot to balance at the moment, but I welcome it.

I guess there really isn't a point to this post, and I hope I can think of things to post about while we are on this break.



IVF

This is me today




Today is 16 days after IUI#6 and AF came this afternoon. It's over. My Hail Mary treatment cycle didn't work. So, this means I am done with fertility treatments for a year, or really until we can save up $15,000 or so for IVF. I am really upset, mostly numb and in disbelief. I never ever thought I would need IVF. When I started seeing my RE I refused to get the infectious disease testing because that was just needed if we did IVF and OF COURSE we would never need IVF because the IUIs would work.

They didn't work...

I just can't believe this is my reality. I can't believe that we have to take a year off of treatments. I won't be going on BCPs during this time, that is just more money and I don't want the option of a "surprise" pregnancy to be eliminated (HAHA!!).

Anyways...I will still be posting on there because I still consider us trying to conceive just with very very poor odds. I may write more about this later, I just feel so in shock right now and heart broken. I am sitting in the library at work and don't feel like crying in public. I'll probably call my RE at some point this afternoon or maybe tomorrow.

FU IF, I don't like you!!

"Our Love is So Right"

"So Right"

Roll out down to midnight
Then roll on downtown 'til it's light
Because tomorrow we may die
Oh, but tonight we're dancing in the faint light
Don't you rob yourself of what you're feeling
Don't rob yourself of all that you could be
Roll hard 'til midnight
Roll 'til it's light

Come on now
Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
Roll the red carpet out with friends
To whom, to love and roll on

Our love is so right
I won't waste a minute here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance is all about you

To midnight love you,
Roll on and run the red lights
You know the game now is keep it tight

Oh, how I love your pretty rock-roll kisses
Come on and stay with me
Roll on and run the red lights
Come on, this love is so right

Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
To roll the red carpet out with friends
Oh, to love and roll on now

Our love is so right
I can taste
We're in it here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance
Is all about you

I'm going crazy
And it's all 'cause of you (it's all 'cause of you)
I'm going under, over you, over you...

This time is so alive
Everybody's tranced, dancing tonight
Oh so beautiful, and so strange
Oh, it was empty until you came...

Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain on your light
Our love is so right
I'll not forget how you look right now

Our love is so right
Remember let's just move together
Our love is so right
I swear it would last forever

Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain down on you
Our love is so right...

 

So, Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary, and I have to say that I have an absolutely amazing husband. We have really been through a lot this last year and he has stepped up and been there for me. We are stronger than ever and ready to face whatever life has in store for us. Not only have we been struggling with infertility but he also helped me through the loss of a friend last November.

Every month I go through a sort of loss whenever I am not pregnant. I go through a mourning process of mourning that months efforts, money, emotions, extreme sadness and anger. My hubby has gone through 21 months of this. He has helped me through every single month for 21 months. He has seen me ugly cry so hard I can't speak, all he can do is hold me. He has helped me through my anger and questions of "why us?". He realizes that infertility isn't "my fault" and gets disappointed every month as well. He keeps strong though. One of us has to be. He has the level head and he is the realist. I love him so much for being my backbone through this process and even more for allowing the process to continue. He agreed to IVF because he understands that I need to try it before I can emotionally move on to adoption. He loves me so much and I love to the moon and back. I can not wait to see what, not only the next year brings, but what the next 50+ years bring.

 

We are just getting started, and that is so exciting to me.

 

 

Now We Wait



I haven't updated in a while, but as of today, the wait begins.

Last Thursday I had my monitoring appointment. I was a little disappointed by my follicle development, but it was "ok". He wanted to give me a few more days before I trigger in order to give my follicles some more time to grow. He had me wait until Saturday to trigger for IUI#6 Monday (today!!). The wait for Saturday's trigger wasn't too bad. I went for a run Friday morning where I did the third day of 5k-10k program. I run really really slow. I complete the challenge for the day, but my distance isn't even close to what the goal is. I think I was supposed to run 3 miles in 30 minutes but ended up running 2.39 or something. Oh well, I ran for 30 minutes...that's a long time to run. I had my first test in Graduate School Friday so I took that in the afternoon and passed the freaking crap out of it with a 100!

 

                                  BAM!!!!

So, I was pretty happy about that. I got some more school work done and went to Book Club that night. I love my book club! I don't think I have mentioned it on here, but after I got out of college and then changed jobs where I worked with a bunch of men, I realized that I didn't really have any friends. I decided on a whim to put out some feelers on Facebook to see if anyone wanted to be in a book club. Over 1 year later and we are still going strong! We have all the original members and we all look forward to having "girls night". We talk about the book sometimes, but mostly we talk about our lives, drink, eat, drink...did I mention we drink? I just look forward to it every month!

On Saturday I had signed up to do a 5k. It was my "goal" 5k, the one that I worked hard towards in order to run the whole thing. My only goal was to run it all and finish in less than 40 minutes. I sort of set that 40 minute goal as a joke thinking I would finish looooong before that time....haha nope! I finished in like 39 minutes. I beat my goals though!! I ran the whole thing (slow as molasses, but I ran), and I finished within my time goal. I was really really proud of myself. I wore teal pants in remembrance for my dear High School friend who passed away much to young, at the age of 26, to Ovarian Cancer. She passed away last November and her Birthday was yesterday (Sunday).



Sorry it's so big!! it says "Happy Birthday Mary. I wear TEAL in your memory" September is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness month!

So, I ran the whole race and then went to the festival connected to the race. I had a really good day. My Hubby was a deer camp so I was pretty much by myself all day, but it was nice. I listened to music, walked around, got my feet massaged (I paid for it, it wasn't from a random person). I had such a good day that when I went home I had a little nap, vegged out. Next think I know it is 9:30 and I had forgotten about my trigger! I mean, who forgets about their trigger shot??!! Luckily I was talking to an IF friend and it reminded me...only 30 minutes late. That should be ok!!

Sunday was sort of a bitter sweet day. It was my late friend's birthday. I looked at some pictures of her and reminisced. I also talked to her about maybe helping me out with this whole IUI thing. Before she passed away I told her that hubby and I decided that if we had a girl that we would honor her with the middle name. So I sort of talked to her yesterday about maybe giving me a little extra Mary juju from above towards the IUI today. We'll see = )

This is was in 9th grade. She was so beautiful and full of life!! RIP Mary!!!

So, this morning was my IUI. The last one I will hopefully ever do!! I have been so at peace about everything. I really feel "ok" about this potential break and about the next step. Hubby and I for sure decided that IVF would be our next move and that our goal would be to do it in a year. We would save up as much money as possible in that time so that we have a good savings cushion for ourselves.


sorry these things are so flippin' big!! This was me today...Roar Radio on Pandora, Hope shirt, bracelet and necklace!!

I am super duper crampy right now so I am hoping that that means my ovaries are doing or have done what they are supposed to. My bewbs hurt....too soon for symptom fishing??? lol.

Anyways, I am in a good place. Probably a better place than I have been in this whole time. I have totally given this thing up to God. I know that it will happen when it is supposed to happen and how it is supposed to happen. I'll just do what I can to help out the process.

Sorry for the novel, but I had a lot to say. I hope this leaves everyone well and I love every one of you and thank you so so much for your support through this time in our lives. Whether this is the end of our journey for a year or just the beginning....I thank you.





Slow Down!!!

Things are moving so freaking fast this cycle!! I guess my body is all like "let's get this thang over with!".
 Since talking with my RE's nurse on cycle day 1 and after the reality that the same protocol was the plan, I have been much much better. The plan was Femara 10mg CD 3-7 with an ultrasound on CD6 or Friday Sept. 26. On cycle day 2 I ended up calling the on call nurse because I didn't have enough medicine so I needed another prescription and I also had some pressure on my right side that I was worried was a cyst. Luckily my RE was able to get me squeezed in this morning (CD4) for an ultrasound to check to make sure I didn't have a cyst! I also planned to bring an IVF grant application that I found online for my RE to look at and hopefully fill out for me.
I have been trying to look for scholarships or grants online for IVF assistance in order to help with IVF costs if we were to choose that route. I found one that looked pretty good so I thought I would give it a shot. I know it is a very very long shot and usually these organizations are looking for people with extravagant stories, and ours is pretty normal so my chances are slim to none. But you know what they say about the lottery! You won't win if you don't play! I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least try.
Fast forward to today's ultrasound:
Hubby and I went in this morning for our ultrasound. The desk clerks at my RE's office are hilarious and I love eavesdropping into their conversations. We waited about 30 minutes with a few other women in the waiting room. We texted each other guesses as to what the other women were doing here and what procedure they were getting ready for. I could tell they were both pretty comfortable with the RE's office so they weren't newbies. I can always tell when its someone's first time!
The nurses were wonderful as usual. They all checked on me, padded me on the back to see how I was since my BFN last week. They are just so awesome! I talked to nurse B about the IVF grant application and she knew that Dr. P would have no qualms about helping me in any way he could.

Ultrasound time! I knew the drill, bottoms off. This was the first time hubby had been with me for an ultrasound while I was still bleeding. That was a little different but all went well. A very nice resident did my ultrasound with my RE sitting right next to him. My RE comment on how my hubby "always wears the best Dave Matthews Band T-shirts", so you know my RE is awesome. It turns out I don't have a cyst. But, I do have a few pretty good follicles already. I have maybe 3 around 8cm on my left and a 13cm on my right (that's why I was feeling pressure!!). He said everything was on track and moving a little faster than he expected. At first I felt like I was crying wolf with calling for an ultrasound for fear of a cyst, but I am glad I did because Dr. P ended up moving up my follicle check ultrasound to Thursday instead of Friday. He said that I will probably trigger Thursday night, so that would bring IUI#6 on Saturday.
Unfortunitly I work on Thursday so I will have to work that out, and on Saturday I had a 5k planned that I had already paid for. This would be the second 5k that I signed up for since C25K and the second one I would have to miss after already paying for it (boo!!). But, it will be ok.
I told Dr. P about the IVF grant and he said he will do whatever he can to help us out and would be more than happy to sign the application for me. He agreed that it was a long shot but he also agreed that you have to play to win! I sort of thought he would take the application and fill it out during the week sometime and give it back to me Thursday. Nope! He filled it out then and there! There was part of the application about how the IVF is broken up financially, so they kept the application for the financial counselor to fill out. They are so awesome!!
We also got to talk to Nurse B about IVF costs and such. I was pleasantly surprised by it all! I think it was $8,500 for IVF, but this does not include the medications which can cost upwards of 3k. So, this is what the $8,500 pays for!

IVF (anesthesia, lab fees, all retrieval fees, embryo transfer fees, etc)
1 Therapy session
Freezing of extra embryos
1 FET (frozen embryo transfer).

I was very pleasantly surprised that not only does this price pay for an IVF, which could result in baby #1, but it would also cover a FET, which could result in baby #2. We still have to talk in more detail to the nurses about this. We aren't sure if you get the FET only if the first IVF doesn't work, or say the IVF works and a few years down the road you want to have another, if you could use that FET that was paid for.
My thought is though, that if you only get the FET if the IVF doesn't work...that is still 2 for the price of 1! I still feel good about that and so does my hubby. We had a nice conversation about it and he feels much better about IVF knowing that we get that extra FET. We haven't set this in stone, but things are looking a little better right now.

Of course we are hoping this IUI works, but we definitely have a better plan in place and seem to be on agreement (today anyways) that IVF may be our best option for our next plan. We just need to figure out how long we want to wait to do it. I imagine we are talking years, rather than months. We still are sticking to our plan to build up our savings account so I imagine we will wait a year or two before we do this. But, I feel a lot better about things!

This is how I feel = )

IUI#6- the final straw

So, today is CD1. I was expecting it, wasn't a surprise since I tested two days ago. I was just ready to get that cycle over and to start on a new one. When I got the negative test a couple of days ago I called my RE's nurse to talk to her. I explained to her that this would be our last cycle, maybe forever. I explained that if this is a fail then we will be taking a very long break to save up for IVF or adoption. I also said to her that I wanted to put all the ammo we can into this cycle, whether it be injects or what. She said she was going to talk with Dr. P later in the day and to call whenever CD1 came.

Well, CD1 came and so I called.

I will be doing the same protocol. The same exact dose as I have done the past 3 or 4 IUIs. It's a weird mix between frustration, confusion, grateful that I don't have to fork over a bunch of money for expensive medicines. I expressed all of this to my RE's nurse. I just kept saying that the last few cycles didn't work, why the heck would this one? She said that his explanation was that I had very good response with this protocol and he doesn't want to mess with that. He thinks I will over respond to injects and doesn't want me to spend all of the money on it if he thinks the much less expensive option will work. I can appreciate that, the only problem is that it hasn't worked. Why would this one??

It's such a weird thing for me as well whenever I explain this to others going through IF. I want to pound my fists in frustration but yet I want to try to stick up for my RE's decision as well. I haven't lost any trust in him. I don't feel like he hasn't listened to my concerns, thoughts, etc. I work with doctors every day and I have become pretty good at asking the doctors questions in order to get the orders that I want for my patient. It's different when you are the patient. I have asked all of the questions I needed to ask of my RE, and I have verbalized all of my thoughts and concerns in order to push my RE to make a certain decision about my treatment. Some may say that since he kept the same protocol and didn't do what I say that he didn't listen to me. He knows what he's doing, I have no doubt. I truly believe he listened to what I had to say, considered it, and then made his own medical judgment on what would be best for me in my own unique situation. Am I frustrated? Hell Yes! Do I think this cycle well work? Hell to the NO! But hey, he's the RE, I'm not. If it's meant to work, then it will. If I am meant to go on this break, then I will go on the break. I'm starting to think it will be good for me. Give me time to focus on things other than IF. Maybe it will give me time to find myself again and not be totally engrossed in the world in infertility.

I don't know, I'm probably just making excuses and trying to make myself feel better about the situation. It's working for now so I'm going to roll with it!.

I also contacted a peer-led infertility support group leader in my town through the Resolve organization I explained my situation and asked about meetings. There will be a meeting Tuesday night at 6pm. I really think that I am going to go. I am so nervous, but I think it will be good!

 

"Brave" by Idina Menzel

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For to long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave

Devastated and Crushed

Devastated and crushed are two words to describe how I feel right now.

I took a pregnancy test early this morning and got a negative.

All I can do is cry. I feel so lost and confused as to why it has gotten to this point, the point of me being at my last fertility treatment cycle. What if this cycle doesn't work? Why would this cycle work when the other 5 didn't? what would make this one any different? What's next? Why is this happening to me (but, why not me)?

Before infertility happened to me, I was such a positive person. Very optimistic and probably naïve. Days like today make me sad. Not only because of the negative test, but also because I lost my hope and optimism. I may get a little bit of it back through the cycle, but it never charges up to it's original fullness.
 I have never been so optimistic as I was during my first IUI cycle. I was so optimistic that I bought a bunch of baby trinkets as a way to tell my family and friends that I was pregnant. I bought those 7 months ago and they are buried in a box, pains me to look at it because I may never be able to use them.
 I was even optimistic during my second IUI, I mean who is lucky enough to have their first one work? I thought this one would definitely work, no doubt. Two weeks later...doubt, hope lost. And then the third, the fourth, the benched cycle, and now the fifth....

So, optimism didn't work

During the third and fourth cycle I tried to keep my cool, I was pretty good at just being numb during the whole cycle. Careful not to get my hopes up to high, but I also didn't want to put negative energy towards the cycle.

So, numbness didn't work

During the benched cycle I thought how crazy it would be if I actually got pregnant by having sex. Weird huh? To think that someone could actually get pregnant just by making love to their spouse, without any doctors, nurses, syringes, sperm washes. I know it was silly for me to think that cycle might work...but I thought that maybe it would.

so, sex didn't work

This cycle seemed like an ideal cycle I had pretty good response from my meds, hubby's sample was beautiful. It only takes 1 sperm and he had 45 million coming at me. Our timing around the IUI was good. I was optimistic during this cycle as well. I stopped running, no sushi, no alcohol. But yet, it didn't work.

so, an ideal cycle didn't work.

What will work? How am I supposed have my child? Am I even supposed to be a mother? Is this God's way of telling me that I am not even supposed to have that gig? Am I even supposed to carry a child or is adoption the way I am supposed to receive my angel from God? What about IVF, is that in my cards? And if we do spend the 12+k for IVF...what if it doesn't work? Will there be resentment there between hubby and I since he isn't a fan of it?

So many questions and only time can give me the answers. All I know is that I can't keep going on like this. The constant rollercoaster is exhausting. There is no handbook for infertility, nothing that tells me "this is what you are supposed to do and this is how you are supposed to have your child". I just have to trust that it is in the cards for me and God's plan will show through eventually. I guess I just have to wait and see.